The Chaos Index, Week 4: Some People Are Taking The Start Of Fall Way Too Literally

Ahh, Fall. The leaves are beginning to turn, there’s a cool snap in the air, the kids are back in school, and your thoughts are turning to what ridiculous getup you’re going to wear for Halloween. Interestingly, this year, way too many football programs are taking the word “Fall” way too literally. Did you seriously expect Nebraska, Florida State and Virginia Tech to take the banana peel route through the first few weeks of the season? Yeah, you expected Tennessee, Arkansas, and UCLA to need a little time, but did you expect them to be this embarrassing? We could go on and on, but why not get to the mockery at hand, where we will, in fact, go on and on.

1. Nebraska – Sure, Frosty will get it right at some point. (Won’t he?) In the meantime, F clearly stands for effed, not for Frost.
2. Virginia Tech – ODU? WTF, VT? LOL.
3. Florida State – A comfy skate by an NIU team that hasn’t been relevant in years isn’t going to end the freakout in Tallahassee.
4. UConn – The Huskies can’t drive 55, but they can allow 54.5 points a game.
5. Arkansas – Chad Morris and Chip Kelly can have a lively talk about who left a bigger horsepile behind, Bret Bielema or Jim Mora.
6. Tennessee – Jeremy Pruitt would like in on that discussion after getting faceplanted in a rivalry game.
7. UCLA – The beauty of bye week: you can’t lose a game. Of course, you can still lose a quarterback.
8. Rutgers – Back-to-back hospital jobs against Kansas and Buffalo? Now, that’s a truly groundbreaking mess, y’all! Good Knights to your season.
9. Kansas State – The next three weeks will make it clear whether the wheels are coming off in the Little Apple.
10. BC AP Poll Voters – Boring College ranked? Because they beat UMass, Wake, and Holy Cross? Too funny.
11. Colorado State – What’s worse: giving up 40 points a game to anyone who matters even a little or getting pantsed by Illinois State? Good news, y’all: you don’t have to choose. You can have it all!
12. Pitt – You lost to North Carolina. Who do you think you are, VaTech?
13. Oklahoma State – Speaking of taking a fall, it’s okay to lose to Texas Tech. It’s just not okay to lose to them by 24 at home when you think you’re a playoff team. Just sayin’.
14. USC – Okay, pressure’s off for a week. Just ignore the fact that they were outplayed at home and would have found themselves in OT if not for a missed extra point. Luckily for the Trojans, the upcoming schedule is filled with the Pac-12 South. Speaking of which…
15. The Pac-12 South – Pick your favorite disappointment: winless UCLA, the Khalil Tate Heisman campaign, everything ‘SC not named Daniels or St. Brown, or the painful reality of the hospital job that awaits the division winner in the P12 Championship Game.
16. Louisville – That old Petrino magic appears to be fading. Here’s guessing that old Petrino douchebaggery is still going strong.
17. Kentucky – Welcome to this week’s Happy Chaos entrant. The Cats are 4-0? We’d say that basketball season can wait, but c’mon.
18. Kansas – Order restored: having lost to Baylor, and with a bunch of ranked teams coming up, basketball season is definitely back on in Lawrence.
19. UTEP – The good news is that the Miners won’t be handing anyone else their first win of the year. The bad news is that, for the second straight season, it doesn’t look like anyone will be handing them their first win of the year either.
20. Ohio State – LSU and Florida can argue about who’s DBU all they want, but with Urbz back in the saddle, tOSU wears the DBU crown (and, in this case, DB does not stand for “defensive back”).