The Chaos Index, Week 4: Say Hello To The Not-So-New Normal

Okay, so we’ve now spent the last three weeks asking, “Are ya sure that this season isn’t just a rerun of last year?” Texas still appears to be back, but we’re not 100% sure that’s the case. Notre Dame still appears to be back, but they really aren’t. How the Harbaugh thing isn’t working out in Ann Arbor, we have no idea, but it isn’t. The Chip Kelly, Jeremy Pruitt, Willie Taggart, and Chad Morris things aren’t working out either.

Oh, and the Scott Frost thing seems to be gaining traction, but that’s only if you ignore the four turnovers and near loss against Illinois, where nothing ever works out.

Finally, congrats Pac-12 on seeing your last best playoff hope sink slowly beneath the horizon. Yeah, we know, Wazzu. We crashed early, so yeah, they’re still unbeaten and a threat…right? Anyway, there’s always Cal. And that’s the funniest thing we’ll ever say. Ever.

1. UCLA – Typical UCLA, getting blown out 49-17 midway through the 3rd quarter and giving America an opportunity to call it a night early. C’mon now, we’ve told you that chaos can be your friend, and if coming back from 32 down while giving up infinity yards in total offense isn’t happy chaos, we don’t know what is.
2. Michigan – 40 yards on the ground in a key game? Yep, that’s Michigan football! Here’s hoping Coach Khakis can save his gig by leading the crew to bowl eligibility.
3. Tennessee – Whatever you do, do not blame those two picks on Jarrett Guarantano.  On the other hand, you can blame getting your ass kicked up one wall and down the other in your rivalry game on pretty much everybody wearing orange and white.
4. Arkansas – You lost to San Jose Freaking State?!?!? Maybe it’s time to join the Sun Belt.
5. Stanford – At this rate, they’ll be chanting for the return of Buddy Teevens before long in Palo Alto.
6. North Carolina – Think of it this way, Heels: you got pantsed by App State when they were a Sun Belt team.  Michigan got done by the Mountaineers when they were a SoCon program, which is…uh…pretty much the same thing really. Anyway, Clemson will be fun, right?
7. Florida State – Boy, is getting destroyed by North Carolina State going to be embarrassing.
8. Illinois – Giving up 674 yards of offense is typically not how one wins football games. On the other hand, playing football for Illinois is also typically not how one wins football games.
9. Notre Dame – Now that Texas is back (more or less), the Irish are now America’s Not Quick Back Yet Team. And going to the playoff and getting your head handed to you does not mean you’re back; it means you play an overrated schedule.
10. UCF – Welcome back to being a really good second-tier program, y’all! Enjoy the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Bowl or whatever.
11. USC – Nice win, trOJans! In fact, we’d say it was a killer win. Best news of all for y’all: with wins like that, Clay Helton isn’t going anywhere. By the by, you got any quarterbacks left?
12. Utah – Speaking of (1) UCF and (2) that nice USC win, it’s satisfying to see that the Utes have found their level; they’re a good team. A very good team. Oh, and that dream season will be arriving sometime in the 23rd century. Maybe.
13. Houston – Egg meet Cougarface. There will be more embarrassing losses this year – right, Tennessee? – but there won’t be a more humiliating finish.
14. Arizona State – Congrats on seeing your exciting, breakthrough season go down the drain.
15. Louisville – Is there anything more humbling than losing to Florida State?
16. San Diego State – No offense to Utah State, but after this week, just combine our comments about Utah and Arizona State and stir.
17. Rutgers – If only UMass were on the schedule, like, eleven more times.
18. UMass – When you give up 207 points to maybe the worst four-game schedule in the history of life, it’s time to either drop down a division or drop the program altogether. That October 26th “showdown” with UConn is going to be the new Toilet Bowl.
19. Connecticut – If only Wagner were on the schedule, like, eleven more times. Make it ten; there’s that exciting October 26th game, and who would want to miss that?
20. Fansville – That UCLA hanger-on who got popped for 15 yards for a sideline violation during a 100-yard kickoff return thinks that Dr. Pepper Fansville campaign is lame. He’s right.