The Chaos Index, Week 12: Chips Are Falling, One Falls Particularly Hard On USC

As college football prepares to get its King of Chaos, The Hat, back – thanks, Kansas…we, uh, hope – the Big 12 joined the Pac-12 in making a generous holiday donation of its playoff spot to [pick one] one-loss Michigan or two-loss SEC runner-up. At this rate, the highlight of the annual waste of time known as the College Football Playoff announcement show will be finding out which Power 5 powerhouse gets the honor of being shamed by Central Florida this year.

Meanwhile, television executives everywhere are no doubt thrilled to see that the nation’s largest market with actual college football programs – no, you don’t count New York/Rutgers – will be sitting out this bowl season. Good news, though. There’s an easy fix to the lack of college football entertainment coming out of America’s entertainment capital: can you say, “The Return of Lane Kiffin?!?” Ain’t happenin’, of course, but it’s funny to think about.

And now, for this week’s round of short and snarky.

1. USC – ‘SC vs. ND in a desperate attempt to save a bid to the Cheez-It Bowl should be priceless. Clay Helton seems like a really nice guy. Is he unemployed yet?
2. The Big 12 – This is where you all realize that every single move you’ve made as a conference was wrong and decide to bring in, say, Houston and BYU and hope for the best next year.
3. West Virginia – And here we thought WVU and Oklahoma would cancel each other out.
4. Oklahoma – You gave up 40 points. To Kansas…and their expiring head coach. You really, really don’t want to see Tua in the playoffs. Trust us. (And you’re not going to.)
5. Ohio State – Nice win in this year’s Toxic Teams Bowl, Bucks! Chances of tOSU winding up in tCFP: slightly better than those of Clay Helton wearing red and yellow on a college sideline next year, but not much.
6. Louisville – 52-10? Quick, y’all: hire Bobby Petrino back just so you can fire him again.
7. FAU – Lane Kiffin, boy genius. Lane Kiffin, failed NFL coach. Lane Kiffin, Vol traitor. Lane Kiffin, failed college football head coach. Lane Kiffin, reputation restored. (Thanks, Nick!) Lane Kiffin, ’bout to return to the majors. Lane Kiffin, hoping to make the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Bowl.
8. Michigan State – Anybody else notice that the whole Mark Dantonio thing seems to be heading south?
9. Virginia Tech – Anybody else notice that the whole Bud Foster, Defensive Genius thing seems to be heading south?
10. Illinois – Well, losing 63-0 is certainly one way to make your exit, Lovie.
11. Arkansas – Going down 52-6 to Team Cowbell a week after showing promise against your sorta archrival is, shall we say, a tad disappointing.
12. Colorado – Congrats on the 5-0 start and on owing Mike MacIntyre a $10 million buyout.
13. Texas Tech – Whatever Kliff’s buyout is, just pay it and pray you can sucker Brent Venables into coming.
14. Florida State – Whatever Willie Taggart’s buyout is, wait a year before you pay it.
15. Syracuse – Welcome back to reality.
16. Oregon State – This year’s Civil War will be interesting. For about five minutes.
17. North Carolina – In a battle of directional schools, the Heels came out on top against Western Carolina. Verrrry impressive!
18. Rutgers – Remember that week when Rutgers scored more than 17 points? Yeah, Week One is always a time of hope and playing tomato cans.
19. Kansas – Don’t you dare trash The Hat’s reputation!
20. New Mexico – On the other hand, we’d like to ask the Lobos to carefully consider what an awful announcer Bob Davie was before they release him from exile in Heisenbergland to potentially reinflict him on the entire college football viewing populace.