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*In Texas, anyway.

So, we opened this season using the words of LL Cool J to mock all the self-entitled programs and fan bases who are just itching to scream, “WE’RE BACK!!!” only to find out that, er, they’re not back. After that barnburner at the State Fair, Texas appears to be back. As to the rest, well, mama still doesn’t need to knock you out – you’re still on the mat. In the meantime, let’s savor the return to glory of the Horns, especially since it’s dang fun to say, “Lil’Jordan.”

With that, on to this weeks’ carnage, which is getting uglier and uglier as the year approaches its midway. (And we especially like the use of the word “midway” because this season is taking on quite the carnival feel.)

1. Texas – Congratulations, Longhorns! You’re back on the national picture!!! Enjoy being expected to win every single game on your schedule, or else. Also, please be advised that you are expected to build a time machine, go back and win that whatever-it-was against Maryland, before continuing back in time to make sure that Colt McCoy doesn’t get hurt in the 2009 National Championship Game.
2. Nebraska – Congratulations on beating out UCLA as the last winless disaster of 2018 according to these alleged experts!
3. Florida State – Well, that’ll chill out the people trying to fund Willie Taggart’s buyout.
4. UCLA – If this were horseshoes, Chip Kelly would have landed his signature win in Westwood Pasadena wherever.
5. Auburn – Right about now, LSU is looking at this year’s “marquee wins” and cringing…but they’re not cringing as much as the nice people who gave Gus that massive extension.
6. Virginia Tech – Don’t look now, but Old Dominion is 1-5, and your big win over Felony State is looking less impressive than LSU’s triumph over Auburn.
7. The Pac-12 – Lessee, Stanford has completely imploded in the last two weeks, Washington’s loss to Auburn is about half as impressive as you thought, Oregon lost to Stanford, and the great black and gold hope is…Colorado? Here’s a thought: the P12 should just bury all their important games at night where nobody on the East Coast will see them. Oh wait…
8. Rutgers – You got stomped by…Illinois?!?!? Welcome to 1-11land, Knights.
9. Oklahoma – So much has changed since the end of the Stoops era. Apparently, Clemsoning in a key game is not one of those things. Have fun watching Tua lift the Heisman, Kyler.
10. Michigan State – Sparty’s becoming the new poster child for failing to meet expectations.
11. Arkansas – There’s no shame in getting pounded into a pulp by ‘Bama. There’s tremendous shame in going winless against all of FBS, so boy does that “showdown” with 1-4 Tulsa in two weeks look “huge.”
12. Tulsa – See above, only you play in a second-tier conference.
13. Bowling Green – Uh, ditto, but with a fun name.
14. USC/UNC – Sadly, the comfort of a bye week has come to an end. Let the disappointments begin anew!
15. Kentucky – Right on time: the Cats are 5-1…and on their way to another festive late-season trainwreck.
16. Kansas State – Sad to say, but the sun is setting on the Snyder Era sequel. Good news: David Beaty may be available soon.
17. UNLV – Every time you think the Rebs might be close to turning the corner, you realize that their wins are over UTEP and Prairie View.
18. UConn – At this point, the Randy Edsel jokes pretty much write themselves, don’t they?
19. UTEP – Miners are the new Jayhawks. Betcha didn’t think anyone but the Jayhawks would be the new Jayhawks.
20. San Jose State – And the Spartans are dangerously close to becoming the new Miners.

Sorry. I love you, but I love my family a whole lot more. We’ll be back in the saddle for Week 6.