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The Chaos Index, Week 4: Some People Are Taking The Start Of Fall Way Too Literally
Ahh, Fall. The leaves are beginning to turn, there’s a cool snap in the air, the kids are back in school, and your thoughts are turning to what ridiculous getup you’re going to wear for Halloween. Interestingly, this year, way too many football programs are taking the word “Fall” way too literally. Did you seriously expect Nebraska, Florida State and Virginia Tech to take the banana peel route through the first few weeks of the season? Yeah, you expected Tennessee, Arkansas, and UCLA to need a little time, but did you expect them to be this embarrassing? We could go on and on, but why not get to the mockery at hand, where we will, in fact, go on and on.
- Nebraska – Sure, Frosty will get it right at some point. (Won’t he?) In the meantime, F clearly stands for effed, not for Frost.
- Virginia Tech – ODU? WTF, VT? LOL.
- Florida State – A comfy skate by an NIU team that hasn’t been relevant in years isn’t going to end the freakout in Tallahassee.
- UConn – The Huskies can’t drive 55, but they can allow 54.5 points a game.
- Arkansas – Chad Morris and Chip Kelly can have a lively talk about who left a bigger horsepile behind, Bret Bielema or Jim Mora.
- Tennessee – Jeremy Pruitt would like in on that discussion after getting faceplanted in a rivalry game.
- UCLA – The beauty of bye week: you can’t lose a game. Of course, you can still lose a quarterback.
- Rutgers – Back-to-back hospital jobs against Kansas and Buffalo? Now, that’s a truly groundbreaking mess, y’all! Good Knights to your season.
- Kansas State – The next three weeks will make it clear whether the wheels are coming off in the Little Apple.
BCAP Poll Voters – Boring College ranked? Because they beat UMass, Wake, and Holy Cross? Too funny.- Colorado State – What’s worse: giving up 40 points a game to anyone who matters even a little or getting pantsed by Illinois State? Good news, y’all: you don’t have to choose. You can have it all!
- Pitt – You lost to North Carolina. Who do you think you are, VaTech?
- Oklahoma State – Speaking of taking a fall, it’s okay to lose to Texas Tech. It’s just not okay to lose to them by 24 at home when you think you’re a playoff team. Just sayin’.
- USC – Okay, pressure’s off for a week. Just ignore the fact that they were outplayed at home and would have found themselves in OT if not for a missed extra point. Luckily for the Trojans, the upcoming schedule is filled with the Pac-12 South. Speaking of which…
- The Pac-12 South – Pick your favorite disappointment: winless UCLA, the Khalil Tate Heisman campaign, everything ‘SC not named Daniels or St. Brown, or the painful reality of the hospital job that awaits the division winner in the P12 Championship Game.
- Louisville – That old Petrino magic appears to be fading. Here’s guessing that old Petrino douchebaggery is still going strong.
- Kentucky – Welcome to this week’s Happy Chaos entrant. The Cats are 4-0? We’d say that basketball season can wait, but c’mon.
- Kansas – Order restored: having lost to Baylor, and with a bunch of ranked teams coming up, basketball season is definitely back on in Lawrence.
- UTEP – The good news is that the Miners won’t be handing anyone else their first win of the year. The bad news is that, for the second straight season, it doesn’t look like anyone will be handing them their first win of the year either.
- Ohio State – LSU and Florida can argue about who’s DBU all they want, but with Urbz back in the saddle, tOSU wears the DBU crown (and, in this case, DB does not stand for “defensive back”).
The Chaos Index, Week 3: The Ugly Starts Early
Ahh…September. It’s the season of optimism in college football, the time when Dear Old Alma Mater fattens up with wins against weaklings like FCS and Sun Belt programs. It’s especially the time for optimism for those programs who’ve grabbed the hot hire of the off-season, the perfect fit for their program, the hometown hero who was destined to lead the program back to glory, or the can’t miss 18 year-old quarterback who skipped his senior year of high school but previously repeated eighth grade so he could be more physically mature in high school.
Boy, has that all turned ugly fast. Let’s meet the unhappy masses, along with some folks who are wayyy happier than we thought they’d be at this juncture of the proceedings.
- Florida State – Three games in, ‘Nole Nation is 0-4. By that, we mean that there are only four GoFundMe campaigns looking to raise the $21 million to buy out Willie Taggart. (This one’s the leader in the clubhouse at $51.) Other than that, no one’s freaking out in Tallahassee. Nope, no one at all.
- Nebraska – We’re not aware of anyone losing their poop in Lincoln yet about Frostie, but perhaps someone should fire up a GoFundMe to try and buy the Huskers a quarterback.
- USC – Fans of Doomsday Preppers will find the Trojans’ flagship radio station a must listen this week as they melt down over the fact that CLAY HELTON MUST GO NOW!!!!! (Never mind that they won their first post-Pete conference crown nine months ago.)
- UCLA – No really. Chip Kelly’s going to get this mess turned around. Oh sure, it might take a couple decades, but, by God, they’ll climb that mountain.
- LSU – And now, your occasional reminder that chaos can be your bestie. Witness college football’s perpetual kings of chaos from Baton Rouge, who are following their new spiritual leader, Kick Tracy. Enjoy the celebration, y’all…all the way until the team underperforms in next week’s paycheck game and you begin self-soiling again.
- Kansas – Speaking of happy chaos, break up the Jayhawks! (For their sake, we hope somebody breaks them up before they start playing ranked teams in two weeks.)
- Rutgers – Six freaking turnovers? At home? Against Kansas? You lost by 41 points to a team that lost to Nicholls State? Y’all might want to break yourselves up too.
- Colorado State – Nice to see the Rams getting back to doling out points in the mid-40’s after that brief detour into respectability against that lightweight outfit from Arkansas.
- Arkansas – Apparently, Bret Bielema’s #karma didn’t leave with him. And yeah, the nice people of Fort Collins shouldn’t get too excited. After all, the Hogs stayed within a touchdown of the Rams before losing by four of them to…North Texas? A pissed off Auburn team should be fun.
- Auburn – Ain’t you all glad you extended Gus last off-season?
- Notre Dame – With one-score wins over football lightweights Vanderbilt, Ball State, and Michigan, can’t you just smell the sense of impending doom hanging over South Bend? Buck up, gang – just two weeks until Stanford!
- UTEP – Do you realize that Barack Obama was still President the last time UTEP won a football game?
- UConn – Giving up 118 to Boise State and UCF is brutal, but 49 to Rhode Island? Somebody send the Huskies to Pasadena – UCLA needs their help.
- North Carolina – Cancelling their game due to Hurricane Florence marks the high point of the Heels season. ‘Nuff said?
- New Mexico State – 0-4 after Week Three means all that back-to-back bowl optimism is dead, and with two guaranteed wins coming up, we can’t imagine how ugly things will be if the Ags lose one.
- Arizona State – The good folk of the Valley Of The Sun love a nice trip to San Diego. Here’s guessing they didn’t enjoy this one so much. Luckily, this week’s game with U-Dub is the perfect opportunity to get the Herm Edwards Revolution back on track.
- Purdue – 0-3 after Week Three means all that back-to-back bowl/Jeff Brohm Revolution optimism is dead. Boiler up!
- San Jose State – We keep hearing what a great guy Brent Brennan is. At 2-14 so far, we’re pulling for him, but then, we like lost causes.
- Coastal Carolina vs. Campbell – In case you all weren’t sure whether you belong in FBS, the turnout at that Wednesday afternoon special should answer your questions. That said, congratulations on getting your priorities straight, unlike…
- Clemson – Seriously? There was a massive public safety emergency in your state, and you were too busy playing a meaningless paycheck game to notice that maybe the po-lice didn’t need to be available at your stadium? (Alternatively, you had about 10% as many cops at your games as usual, so maybe you’re just overusing valuable public safety resources.) Either way, that’s freaking weak, Tigers. Or, said differently, y’all Clemsoned at something far more important than football.
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