BLOG

They were all hired because things weren’t going so well back at Dear Old U, and they were just so brilliant in their previous jobs. (Well, except for Dana Dimel. We have no idea what UTEP was thinking when they hired him, but then, they’re UTEP.)

Even though patience is a virtue, and we know it’s going to take time to get everything back on track, they’re already taxing our virtue. For example, two games in, the local fishwrapper has declared Willie Taggart’s honeymoon is over in Tallahassee. So, let’s take a look at the absurdities surrounding college bawl, starting with the places where it’s worst.

1. Florida State – After that beatdown from VaTech, if the ‘Noles hadn’t scratched their way past Samford, we’re fairly sure the wrath of Nole fan would’ve been so extreme that Cthulu would have released the Kraken or something.
2. Nebraska – The first two weeks of the Scott Frost Era have included thunder, lightning, and an unexpected downpour that seriously disappointed Huskers everywhere, plus a game that was cancelled due to inclement weather. Oh, and there’s just one scholarship quarterback on the roster, and he’s injured. Good times!
3. Florida – Welcome back, Dan Mullen. Tonight we’re gonna party like it’s 1986! Love, Kentucky
4. UCLA – If you bet the over on the announcers saying, “Take heart, Bruin fans. Chip Kelly will get this right…sometime,” yesterday, go collect your winnings.
5. Arizona – So much for Khalil Tate’s Heisman run under the esteemed tutelage of Messrs. Sumlin and Mazzone. Oh, and congratulations on having the worst defense in the history of life!
6. Arkansas – Colorado State doled out 88 points before the calendar hit September, and the Hogs couldn’t handle them? This, friend, is what last place in the SEC West looks like.
7. Ole Mess – As we transition from the new guys to the second-year guys, let’s spend a moment in Oxford, where the Rebs only needed a minute (okay, the first half) to hand an FCS squad 38 points. Next week, they’ll be handed something else by their guests from Tuscaloosa – their heads.
8. Texas – The good news is that the Horns bagged a win. The less good news is that it was a home squeaker over Tulsa. The not-so-good news is that USC, TCU, and Oklahoma are up in the next four weeks. Surely, the good people of Austin won’t mind a 2-4 record in Tom Herman’s second stripper-free season.
9. Purdue – Remember when Jeff Brohm was the savior of Boilermakers football? Forget it.
10. North Carolina – Not that Larry Fedora has any reason to be nervous, but after collapsing against an awful ECU, the Heels get UCF, Miami, and VaTech in the next four weeks, so it’s beat Pitt or go 0-6. And here you thought David Beaty was the favorite in the First Coach To Be Fired This Year Sweepstakes.
11. Kansas – Speaking of whom, great news – you won a football game, Jayhawks! Greater news – just 46 days until basketball!!!
12. LSU – The Tigers are 2-0, and they’re about to visit the plains to find out just how good they are. Considering that Southeastern Louisiana about turned Jeaux Burreaux into a maraca last night, we’re guessing the answer is “not as good as their record indicates.”  On that note…
13. Notre Dame – The Irish are 2-0, headed to 5-0. Oh, and that noise y’all hear is the voice of impending doom when Stanford and VaTech show up on the schedule.
14. USC (West) – Speaking of Stanford, didja catch God’s Gift To Quarterbacking dropping three points on the Cardinal last night? Let us recreate the sound of the Trojan postgame show for you: “ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
15. USC (East) – You didn’t seriously think the Cocks were game for an SEC East run, did you?
16. Pitt – Yeah, we remember when you were a program covered in glory. We kept you out of last week’s “programs formerly covered in glory” bit because you’ve been covered in something decidedly less glorious for so long that we’ve all but forgotten you, Panthers.
17. UTEP – For some odd reason, we have a soft spot in our heart for the Miners. Considering they’ve given up 82 points to UNLV and a directional FCS school, we should probably harden up.
18. Fresno State – Okay, so that finish wasn’t Pete Carroll in the Super Bowl bad, but dang that was a crappy way to fall on your sword.
19. New Mexico State – So much for the momentum from last season, considering the Aggies are halfway to bowl ineligibility before September 10th.
20. Maryland + Ohio State – Nice wins, y’all! Nice 2-0 records, y’all! Nice Sword of Damocles still hanging over your heads, y’all!

Like LL said, they’ve been here for years. (Here being the middle of the pack and a third-tier bowl game.) They, of course, are the Longhorns, Canes, and Nittany Lions, who all keep threatening to pull out their jammy, but instead just wind up watching January football in their jammies. And whaddya know – Maryland and LSU done knocked them out. App State was just a close call in Ambivalent Valley, but give it time. Some Buckeyes and Spartans might go blaw!

1. Texas – So, can we strip away all the illusions that t-back, er, Texas is back? Next year’s gonna be weird – the Horns won’t have their delusions of above averageness wiped out in Week One by turtles. Oh, they’ll be wiped out by somebody, just not by turtles. Turtle power!
2. Miami – It’s a good thing LSU is on a down year, or that would have been really freaking ugly…almost as ugly as fitting yourself for the CFP right before going from 10-0 to 0-4. Anyway, that Week Five throw with UNC is starting to look like the leader for the title of ACC Disappointment Bowl.
3. Ohio State – Nice opening win, y’know, except for the part where Oregon State’s backup QB carved up your defense every other drive. Also, your coach is still trying to BS his way out of taking responsibility for his reprehensible conduct. You all realize that’s not going to end well, don’t you?
4. Kansas – It seems like it’s been forever since KU went winless for an entire season. After all, three years is an awfully long time. With their only FCS program now off the table, the Hawks’ best hope is probably to see if they can quickly reclassify to Division 2. Or 3.
5. North Carolina – A clueless coach and a quarterback who opened with four picks? Sounds like a fun year in Chapel Hill!
6. Texas Tech – Good to see the Dead Raiders’ D limit Ole Miss to 24 points. In the first quarter. Yep, things will be different this year.
7. UCLA – Inking Chip Kelly changed everything! Sorry, make that nothing.
8. Michigan – Landing Shea Patterson changed everything! Sorry, see above.
9. The Pac-12 – So, now that U-Dub bought the farm against War Eagle, UCLA is just about the last conference team with a chance to make a statement…against Oklahoma…in Norman. And there go the P12’s playoff dreams…again!
10. Week Two – Every year, we hear about the amazing neutral site Week One games. Then, every year, we sit around in Week Two watching a garbage schedule. Y’know how many games feature two ranked teams this week? One, and yep, it’s two Pac-12 teams, so enjoy your nap. Late note: South Carolina ended up #24, so we’re up to two big showdowns. Enjoy watching Georgia blast them.
11. Colorado State – Has any team ever given up 88 points before the month of September even started? Brutal doesn’t begin to describe this.
12. Penn State – Look out! All of the Lions big games are at home this year!! Surely, needing a couple miracles to survive Appalachian State at home doesn’t mean bad things!!!
13. Oregon State – Sucks to lose your quarterback on a bad snap on the first possession of the game. Sucks worse to lose your entire defense before you even get to the airport.
14. LSU – What y’all are unpacking that bleauxout of The U, don’t skip the part where Jeaux Burreaux couldn’t complete 50% of his passes, and you were one 50-yard sprint away from averaging 2.5 yards per carry. Try not to have any bad dreams about the upcoming visit to Jordan-Hare.
15. Arizona – Khalil Tate’s Heisman campaign sure ended fast, didn’t it?
16. Tennessee – Meanwhile, Will Grier’s Heisman campaign is alive and well after a week of cooking up Tennessee roadkill.
17. San Jose State – SJSU lost to UC Davis. If UC Davis replaced SJSU in the MWC, would anyone even KNOW?
18. UTEP – No one was expecting brilliance, but getting blasted by three touchdowns by an FCS school suggests the Miners are going to be staying subterranean for a looooong time to come.
19. Temple – The Owls are back on the Kansas plan: open with a loss to a lower level school and then desperately try to find a win somewhere on your schedule.
20. UNLV – How funny is this? The Rebs have an FCS school and UTEP the next two weeks, meaning they’re going to be the worst 2-1 team in the history of life.