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The Chaos Index, Week Seven: It’s Raining On Cats & Dawgs
Well…wasn’t that special? Round three of the Alabama-Clemson series is now officially off (until it’s reinstated in a few weeks). The state of Washington is no longer a factor (until the Apple Cup is proclaimed a national quarterfinal). Gus Malzahn is officially done at Auburn (until he doesn’t lose again before the Iron Bowl). Louisville is officially not breaking through again this year (okay, that one’s still on). Yep, there will be no Tigers, Cougars, Tigers, or Huskies in the national picture for at least one week. Oh, and the Pac-12 is clueless. Why? Read on…
Let’s hand a special dumbass award goes to whoever came up with this gem: #Pac12AfterDark. Memo to American business: not everything needs or deserves a hashtag, even if somebody else in your line of work already has one. You especially don’t need a hashtag if its only purpose to is remind people how stupid your business model is. For the Pac-12, a more accurate hashtag might be this:
#ItsMidnightBackEastAndNobody’sFuckingWatching
- Friday – WTF, Friday? Way to make a carnage-filled Saturday look anticlimactic. Aren’t you supposed to be all about high school football?
- Tennessee – Kinda expecting that bUTch will be done by Monday morning, especially after that final sequence. Future generations of coaches will learn what not to do by watching it.
- UCLA – Look at all those four- and five-star recruits on defense! Look at the worst defense in major college football. Has anyone ever done less with more than Jim Mora and Tom Bradley? Y’know, besides Brady Hoke?
- LSU – Well that sure was an Auburn game worthy of The Hat, so it was nice to see him on the sidelines. Congrats for that, y’all, and enjoy “controlling your destiny” for the next three weeks. Here’s guessing the Tigers will lose control of everything – destiny, bowels, etc. – in Tuscaloosa after that.
- BYU – The Cougs have already lost control of everything.
- Baylor – The Bears only wish they were as out of control as BYU.
- Oregon State – Well, that was a peppy week, what with Gary Andersen doing the right thing financially and then dumping on his crew on the way out of Dodge City.
- Nebraska – You have to feel for the Huskers and for Mike Riley. Anyway, he can be back in Corvallis in a couple months, but maybe we’ve figured out an even better coach for the Beavs.
- Arkansas – Bret B is an expert on the subject of coaches leaving programs in a huff, so you have to figure he’s Corvallis-bound.
- North Carolina – When you’re two weeks from going 1-8 and your best option is to start Brandon Harris at quarterback, you’re out of options. Y’know, except for the one that starts with, “For the good of the program…”
- Louisville – Which is scarier, Cards: Losing to Boring College or knowing that Bobby Petrino is the moral lodestar of your revenue programs?
- Michigan – Congratulations on barely avoiding your most embarrassing loss since Appalachian State. Enjoy your time in Unhappy Valley next week.
- Florida State – Y’know that ESPN College Football Playoff promo with CGI Jimbo Fisher talking about how every program’s got a chance? They really need to edit that out.
- USC – Get ready to edit Tommy Trojan out of that promo too. How the wheels haven’t fallen off their wagon yet is beyond your truly.
- Florida – Didja think we’d ever get to a point where the Gators were basically irrelevant? (Except for those gawdawful unis, of course.)
- Illinois – Funny, but it seems like no one at the four-letter thought about including a CGI Lovie Smith in those promos. Why is that?
- Pitt – Remember when the Panthers were a serious player on the national scene? Okay, so you’re old. If you’re merely middle-aged, you may barely be aware that Pitt even has a football program. Well, they do, and it’s really awful.
- Kansas – It’s called low-hanging fruit. We intend to continue to pluck it as long as the Jayhawks keep looking helpless against the Iowa States of the world. (45-0? Seriously?)
- East Carolina – Congratulations on joining the world of low-hanging fruit and making the UCLA defense look like it’s…oh hell, the Bruin defense is still an embarrassment.
- Ole Mess – A bye week is a nice time to relax and perhaps play a little golf, isn’t it? Here’s hoping no one was in a foursome with a hooker. (Whaddya mean this wasn’t a bye week? You played Vandy, didn’t you?)
The Chaos Index, Week Six: Sometimes, Chaos Wears A Smiley Face
Chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Chaos can be your bestie, which is exactly what it was this week for our top three. We’ve been harshing on this week’s #1 for years for their annual moment in which they almost slay a dragon only to do a priceless faceplant right before the final whistle.
Punking America’s Youngest Glamour Coach deserves some special recognition. Sadly, the best we can do here is call Iowa State #1 this week, but hey, being #1 beats being #2, which is what LSU figures to be as long as Ed O is hiring million-dollar coordinators and then blowing off their schemes. Y’all best to be a CEO and cheerleader kinda head coach, bro.
Bonus chaos this week: pick your favorite defensive meltdown from the teams below. Whatcha think? Arkansas? Ole Miss? Tulsa? ECU? UConn? (Remember when Bob Diaco had the Huskies saying their defense was the best in America?)
And now, let’s meet this week’s Kings of Chaos.
- Iowa State – Y’see, this has been the problem all along, Cyclones: you just haven’t taken chaos to its extreme (until now). Kudos on sending out a walk-on and your middle linebacker (yeah yeah yeah, we know) to take the snaps! There’s no other way to say it, but this: fuckin’ a, ISU! Y’all got ‘er done! We have no words. Well, except “fuckin’ a!” We’ve always got those words.
- LSU – Now that was some hardcore SEC football in The Swamp, fellas, so it’s a smiley face week for Coach Eaux. Actually, it’s a smiley face life for Coach Eaux, what with that $12 million buyout in his contract. Speaking of which, maybe it’s a frowny face week for Joe Alleva. (Also, give Ed a special Les Miles Lives! award for calling actual plays at the end of the game just to give Florida one last chance to pull the game out.)
- Miami – Speaking of smiley faces, what better way to bust a cap in a brutal rivalry slump than with a disputed 40-yard TD pass with six seconds left in the game? So lessee, the Canes are back and UGA’s looking great with Kirby? It’s the rare dumb coaching move that worked out well for everybody!
- Felony State – Oh sure, they’re 1-3 in Tallahassee, but chaos can still wear a smiley face, right Jimbo? After all, you’ve beaten Miami seven out of the last eight years.
- Ole Mess – How fun to see the Alabama schools escort the Rebs to the SEC West cellar. Oh, and nice timing, what with announcing your new Landshark mascot right in between the two games where you gave up 110 points.
- BYU – Remember when the Cougs went the indie route so they could be the LDS version of Notre Dame? It turns out they’re now the LDS version of Incarnate Word.
- North Carolina – Good news! UVA’s on the up and 4-1 this year, so y’all have the opportunity to go 1-6 next week!!! Have fun!!!!!
- Michigan – Ruh roh. Saint Harbaugh’s wings are all wet.
- Arkansas – The original King of Karma just got run over on the way out of Fayetteville. It’s one thing to lose to the Cocks, but Bret, 48 points? Boom’s teams don’t do that in a month. You can just list that number under “reason for termination” on your application for unemployment insurance .
- Tennessee – Are you the only one who was surprised when the Vols didn’t say bye to bUTch during the bye week?
- UCLA – The Bruins weren’t going to say bye to Jim Mora during their bye week, but you can bet they spent their down time trying to keep Lord Chip from visiting Knoxville.
- USC – If you think the Trojan faithless were happy with that win over the ghost of Oregon State, you don’t know Troy.
- Kansas – 65 points to Texas Tech and now the Jayhawks have to face to momentum-fueled monster that is Iowa State? Maybe it’s time to head to the Ohio Valley Conference so y’all can see Southeast Missouri State more often.
- Illinois – Lovie’s last chance for a win is this coming week. Enjoy your visit from Rutgers, gang!
- Rutgers – Chris Ash’s last chance for a win this year is this coming week. Enjoy your visit to Champaign, gang!
- UConn – Remember that time the Huskies played in a major bowl game and lost $1.6 million? It’s nice to see they’re making sure that never happens again, but letting Memphis hit them for 70 is really taking things to the extremes.
- Mizzery – Remember those two times the Tigers won the SEC East and got wiped out in the SEC Championship Game? It’s nice to see they’re working hard to not be embarrassed like that again.
- East Carolina – Congratulations on holding an opponent under eight touchdowns for the third time this year!!!
- Tulsa – 62 points. To Tulane?!?!? Didja notice that the Wave haven’t put up 62 total points against their other three FBS opponents this year? Just sayin’.
- That Car Commercial With Sweet Caroline In It – Memo to the dipshits at the ad agency who came up with that spot: it wasn’t particularly clever the first time we saw it. By the 1,000th time, we’ve forgotten that it’s even an ad for a car because we just want it to stop. Also, please hand a Genuis Award to whoever thought it would be a good idea to place an ad featuring a Neil Diamond song on football games – after all, the men who make up the majority of the football audience just loooove Neil Diamond.
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