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The Chaos Index, Week Five: The SEC Is MIA
It’s the conference that owns college football, having won every national championship this century, not counting the ones that Oklahoma and USC accidentally stumbled into and probably only won because they were cheating better than anyone else. This week, while Alabama’s finest were stomping Mississippi’s “finest” by a combined 115 – 13, one of Alabama’s #FunBelt teams was working LSU in Baton Rouge. The East looks, uh, not much better.
At least there’s relief – surely, Chip Kelly is on the way! By this point, Chip’s phone (okay, his agent’s phone) is doubtless pockmarked with voicemails from desperate souls, and sure, college football’s most eligible bachelor wants to work in a conference – much less division – that includes Nick Saban. Doesn’t he?
- The SEC – WTF, SEC? College football’s most dominant conference is now exactly three deep, as will be demonstrated when The Leviathan stomps the boys with that good old fight into the next area code next Saturday. On the other hand, y’all have locked down the top four spots here, so you’re still large and in charge in at least one place.
- LSU – You hired Matt Canada to gain the benefit of his complex, confusing offense and then decided to simplify it? Come again? As the Fire Coach Eaux movement begins in earnest, we’ll say this for the millionth time: just because you’re sick of winning nine and ten games every year, don’t fire the coach unless you’re damn sure you’ve got a better option in hand. Oh, and not to be lost in the Tigers’ night of horrors, how ’bout that beatdown that Auburn put on Mississippi State?
- Tennessee – Sayyy Chip, didja know that #GBO doesn’t actually mean go bleed orange? It also doesn’t mean Get Butch Out either. Well, it does this year.
- The Egg Bowl – It seems like it was just yesterday that the game had national championship implications. Now, it’s back to potentially having state championship implications, but East Mississippi Community College might have something to say about that.
- BYU – When we say that it couldn’t happen to a nicer coach, we’re not being sarcastic. If you think we’re not being sarcastic when we say that it couldn’t happen to a nicer fanbase, you haven’t been to many BYU games.
- Baylor – It couldn’t happen to a nicer university.
- USC – In case you were wondering what it looks like when the wheels come off your wagon, here you go. On the bright side, the Trojans have been on the field with the Heisman frontrunner this year. Surely you remember then hooking up with Saquon Barkley last January 1st.
- North Carolina – Remember when the Heels were a rising power? In three weeks, they’re going to be 2-5…assuming they don’t completely flame out against Virginia, which is entirely possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know – it’s all those injuries, and…
- Oregon State – Just seven more games until the Mike Riley III Era begins!
- Illinois – Right about now, we’re guessing that Jen Bielema has a hashtag she’d like to tell y’all about.
- UCLA – Sayyy Chip, didja know that Dorian Thompson-Robinson would be the perfect fit for your offense?
- Special Nights – While we’re on the subject of UCLA, didja know it was White Out night in Pasadena last night? Some of the fans in attendance even wore white. Memo to merch companies everywhere: we’re about done with the special uni nights that only exist to try and con us into buying more of your crap. Stop it.
- UTEP – Sometimes a coach gets pushed out the door and your first thought is, “Well, I hate to see anyone suffer, but that DB deserves it more than most.” That’s exactly not the case with Coach Kugs, but when you’re the first coach pushed out the door in the young season, you show up in The Chaos Index. Oh, and back to that first point about coaches who are DB’s…
- Louisville – Pitino rhymes with Petrino. Just sayin’.
- Arizona State – For sale (cheap): one slightly worn, formerly wayward coach. Buyer must remove.
- San Jose State – It’s a measure of how far below the radar SJSU is that no one noticed just how awful they’ve become. Losing by a combined 102-23 to Utah State and UNLV makes the case for incredibly awful.
- East Carolina – That “clash” with BYU in a few weeks is starting to look like the most depressing game of 2017.
- Nevada – At this point, the Pack’s best hope is checking to see if Colin Kaepernick has any eligibility left. Avert your eyes when they play San Jose State next month.
- Iowa State – College football’s Kings Of Almost There still aren’t there and never will be there, but they can celebrate another moral victory, which is nice
- Bowling Green – Not much to say here really, but they’re 0-5, and we just like typing “Bowling Green.”
The Chaos Index, Week Four: Chips Are Falling, Where’s Chip Going?
A lonely Athletic Director steps into his cold, autumnlike office on Monday morning and makes the phone call. “Hello, Chip. How’d you like to come to [pick your favorite: Knoxville, Westwood, Lincoln, College Station, Las Vegas, Oxford, Northern Jersey, Baton Rouge, Central BFE] and fix our program? Your Brinks truck is packed and waiting.”
Okay, so Ed O isn’t going to be toast after one year…probably. Also, there’s no one at home in Lincoln to make that call right now. (Though you know damn well that a couple boosters have already made it.) Anyway, if you’ve got a shiny new facility and some donors with mountains of money and more fondness for football than cancer research, you’re busily beseeching college football’s current answer to Urban Meyer before he went to Ohio State. Oh, and if you’re smart, you’re doing it NOW, because there are new suitors lining up everywhere.
And now, let’s meet the messes, er, masses:
- Baylor – Nice try with OU, but bad news, Bears: even if you believe there’s such a thing as moral victories, BU is decidedly not eligible for anything with the word “moral” in it.
- Tennessee – If last week didn’t seal bUTch’s fate (it did), squeaking by UMass at home sure took care of matters. This week, I’d call the Vols the current runner-up in the Chipstakes, but there’s plenty of SEC money floating around that could change things.
- LSU – Speaking of schools with unsatisfying victories, we’re just waiting to see when the Fire Coach Eaux movement begins for real. (And when you leave your freshman backup quarterback in the game while buried on your own 1, you’ve invited a movement.)
- Nebraska – See Tennessee and LSU, only with the ghost of your fired AD glaring down upon the Huskers. If only they didn’t have that peskily nice Mike Riley hanging around…
- UCLA – Speaking of sealing your coach’s fate, the Bruins joined the club this week. With their shiny new facilities and shinier new Under Armour money, they’ve got to be the current leaders for Our Hero, especially since they also have an ideal Chip QB coming to town this January.
- Florida State – From #2 in the nation to 0-2, the circumstances aren’t fair, but a school nicknamed Felony State can’t expect fair, can it?
- Texas – How’d your bye week go? Y’know, outside of Maryland getting dusted at home by Central Florida?
- North Carolina – Congrats on snaking the big quarterback recruit from Duke. Congrats on keeping the loss to Duke to ten points.
- BYU – One bye week is not nearly enough time to fix this mess, and with BYU’s rules and scheduling limitations, guess who isn’t coming to dinner.
- Texas A&M – It had to be fun to ruin Jerry Jones’s big day. Anyway, can you picture Chip wanting to be in the same division as Nick Saban? Nope, me neither.
- UTEP – 41-14 to New Mexico State = Sean Kugler’s swan song. Maybe there’s a Chip assistant who the Miners can latch on to.
- Florida – How nice that y’all didn’t actually lose that game. Have fun with Georgia when the time comes.
- Kentucky – The good news: the Cats are eligible for moral victories. The bad news: there’s no such thing as moral victories. There is, however, such a thing as a 31-year losing streak. Welcome to it.
- Rutgers – A little probation. Another ugly loss. In other words, it was a well-balanced week in New Jersey.
- Stanford – Nice win in rough circumstances. After all, your team is still a mess, and that mettle will come in handy in the Las Vegas Bowl.
- Nevada – Remember when the Pack were a big deal? They’ve actually managed to make the Rebels not the worst team in the state, which is really saying something brutal.
- UNLV – Howard playing Bethune-Cookman closer at home than they played the Rebs on the road had to make that beatdown at the hands of tOSU extra zesty.
- FAU – Yep, hiring Hello Kiffin sure has made a difference.
- Kansas – Do we even have to say it at this point?
- Oklahoma City Thunder – Yeah, it’s not football, but since the news of the ‘Melo trade was all over this week’s game, it’s necessary to point out what a year it will be when the MVP who’s from L.A. and might or might not want to be in OKC and the All-Star who definitely doesn’t want to be anywhere but L.A. join forces with the stabilizing force that is #7. By December, we may want to just drop the Thunder on North Korea and be done with it.
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