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The Chaos Index, Week One: Everything’s Crazier In Texas

by | Sep 5, 2017 | 0 Comments

There was no preseason Chaos Index this year. Why? Simple: lack of motivation. Between hurricanes (real ones, not the ones in Coral Gables), ballistic missiles, the existence of Art Briles, and the lack of Les Miles, I couldn’t motivate myself to care.

Then, it happened. “It” being the season of course, which has started with its usual run of meltdowns, freakouts, and letdowns, and everything fell into place. Yep, football’s far less important than real life, which means it’s a hell of a lot more fun to mock.

So, here goes another season of our annual mockumentary, starting off right where it should, with the perpetually disappointed bearers of burnt orange.

  1. Texas – Yep, that Tom Herman hire fixed everything!!! What could go wrong now? Just think, the always tolerant UT faithful surely won’t lose their shit when USC gets done with them. At least no one from the Longhorn Board of Regents is flipping out on social media like one of the wise elders who oversees…
  2. Texas A&M – If there’s anyone who can sympathize with y’all, it’s your friendly hosts from California. While Aggieland wonders how their heroes blew a 44-10 lead with 17 minutes to go, Bruin fans Noel exactly how it happened. And now, to see how ugly things go before they gig Kevin Sumlin.
  1. UCLA – That sure was an amazing comeback! That sure was the exact same putrid running game – all 63 yards of it – that got Josh Rosen impaled halfway through last season and almost knocked out of this one after 30 minutes. At least the fine folk of College Station waited until after the game to fire Kevin Sumlin on social media. Bruin Nation was doing Jim Mora on Twitter at halftime.
  1. UNLV – When the local fishwrapper’s first “lesson” from your opener is “It’s difficult to find any hope at this point,” you best to start planning your Saturday afternoon yardwork through November. Oh, and when you lose to a 2-9 FCS squad as a 45-point favorite, the sky really is falling.
  1. Baylor – Meanwhile in Waco, the sky has fallen. We are not about to mock the horrible things that happened at Baylor these last few years. A former national power losing at home to Liberty? We’ll make fun of that all season long.
  1. Oregon State – Hmm, the Beavs got chainsawed for 58 points by a Colorado State team that got held to a field goal by Colorado. Then, they only snuck by Portland State because the Vikings don’t have anything resembling a kicking game. It’s going to be a loooooong year in Corvallis. Again.
  1. Florida – Admit it, you’ve been expecting big things from the Gators once they get a real quarterback like Feleipe Franks. Or Malik Zaire. Or why don’t we just call the whole thing off?
  1. Florida State – Well, that playoff bid went kaboom in record time, didn’t it?
  1. Missouruh – Remember when Mizoops couldn’t score to save their, er, season. Well, they put up 72 on an FCS team that’s won nine games in three years. Oh, and they gave up 43, so now that the offensive side of matters might (or might not) be back on track, the D sure looks promising.
  1. North Carolina – In case you weren’t aware of it before the Heels went belly up at home against a Cal team that can politely be described as substandard, this week was your ultimate proof that, for all the big talk, the Larry Fedora era is going in circles.
  1. North Carolina State – In case you weren’t aware of it before the Pack went belly up against a USC (East) team that can politely be described as meh, this week was your ultimate proof that, for all that darkhorse playoff team talk, the Dave Doeren era is going in circles.
  1. Arizona State – The Devils came dangerously close to going full Texas A&M. Against New Mexico State. At home. At this point, Sparky’s got to be hoping that Todd Graham’s wandering eye homes in on someone else.
  1. Georgia State – Congratulations to the San Diego State of the South for keeping hope alive! By hope, we mean the hope that they’ll finally have their first winless season since 2013.
  1. Nebraska – Yeah, Arkansas State is one of three semi-relevant teams in the Sun Belt. (Really, #FunBelt? You’re still here?) That said, when you’re barely scraping by against them in Lincoln with a refugee from Tulane under center, things are not going the way the friendly folk of America’s Heartland expect.
  1. USC (West) – But…but…they won by 18 points. But…but…Western Michigan was in a really big bowl game last year. Sorry to butt in, but this ain’t that Broncos team, and this is a fan base that freaks out almost as fast as the one in Austin. If there’s even a hiccup next week against Stanford, expect the panic level to reach DefCon 2. Oh, and whatever happens, that Texas game is going to leave somebody freaking out.
  1. UTEP – It wasn’t like you expected the Miners to win, or even keep it close, against Oklahoma, but getting outgained by 500 yards doesn’t exactly paint a cheery picture for what comes next. Nobody doesn’t like Coach Koogs, but what’s coming next is probably not a long-term extension after his fifth season.
  1. Illinois – Remember when the Illini were in so much of a big hurry to hire Lovie Smith that they offed Bill Cubit right after they extended him? How’s that working out?
  1. Tennessee – Is this the year the Vols finally break through, or will this be yet around rendition of “Butch Says We’ll Get There Next Year?” If you saw them this Labor Day, you already know the answer, and you’re gearing up to pick the correct game where it all falls apart in your office pool. (Me? Florida’s tempting, but I’m holding out for Georgia.)
  1. The Schedule – Lessee, last year’s Week One was The Greatest Opening Week Ever!!! This year, we got ‘Bama vs. Felony State, and what? That dog between Michigan and Florida? The Black Diamond game was nice, but when that’s your second-best event of the week, well, ick. The day when Power 5 schools only play other Power 5 schools cannot get here soon enough.
  2. LSU – The Tigers don’t belong here. There’s no chaos whatsoever going on in Baton Rouge, and that was a nice opening win. At least, they don’t belong here yet. It just felt too weird not to leave them in, so consider this an honorary ranking that also anticipates whatever’s about to come with Coach Eaux. Y’all check back around ‘Bama time.

The Chaos Index, Final Regular Season: Eaux No – It’s LSU Times Two!

by | Dec 12, 2016 | 0 Comments

It’s time to mock an entire regular season’s worth of ridiculousness before we move on to mocking the bowl season. Oh, and compared to last year, the season just isn’t nearly as mockable, mostly because it wasn’t nearly as batbleep crazy as the typical three-month sprint that is the college football season.

Still, we have a repeat champion, thanks to the same program that publicly agonized over dumping its coach at the end of last year finally getting around to doing it a few games into this one while also ceding back-to-back road games to a rival and hiring a guy who could count his previous SEC win total on one hand.

Thanks for reading this hot mess for whatever portion of the year you’ve read it. Please feel free to check back soon for whatever bonus messiness appears here during the offseason. Here’s hoping your team wins its bowl game – y’know, unless it’s playing…never mind.

  1. LSU – A chaotic repeat? Suhweet! And now, here’s to a possible threepeat. Eaux the places the Tigers will go next year even without their Hat. At some point, you have to assume that the chaos comes from a place other than the coach’s office, and we’ve reached that point, so feel free to spend a tiny piece of your offseason wondering how the nice people of B.R. will react the first time Ed’s crew loses a game they should win, and given his track record in Oxford, the over/under on how many times that happens is…what? Three or four?
  1. Lane Kiffin – Speaking of LSU, Is it just us, or did a dude who spent three years quietly rebuilding his reputation and getting to the place where he was ready for another high-profile HC gig just blow all that work up in about a week? A little career advice, Lane: making a lateral move and competing with the ‘Bama Death Star in your division would be, uh, counterproductive. (Late Add-On: Taking that gig while getting kicked off the island right before the national championship game after a very public hissy fit about the coach who helped you rebuild your career was also counterproductive, as you’re about to find out. Welcome back, Lane!!!  Here’s hoping you don’t need another last chance.)
  1. Indiana – Congrats to the Hoosiers on going full Illinois in just one week. Who says you can’t rocket from nowhere (almost) to the top in one week? Ever see the movie Dave? To paraphrase, “We’re growing. We’re growing…and we’re stopping.”
  1. Rutgers – How is it possible that a team that lost four games by a cumulative 224-0 could have only lost by a little over three touchdowns per game? Truly, Knights, you’ve been worse than the final score would indicate…at least in eight of your games.
  1. SEC East – In case it wasn’t clear before that entirely predictable beatdown that the Tide laid on THE FIRST COACH TO WIN AN SEC DIVISION TITLE IN EACH OF HIS FIRST TWO YEARS, “America’s Toughest Conference” is really half a conference. But hey, UT and UGA will make their long-promised comebacks one of these years. Probably.
  1. Texas – How was that for a rollercoaster ride? One week, Charlie saved his job, and the next he was losing to Kansas for the first time since FDR’s second term. Here’s what we don’t get: the rumors about where he’d go next started about ten seconds after he was done wearing burnt orange. USF is (rightly) thrilled to have him. Does that give you the impression the problem in Austin is a little higher up than previously believed?
  1. Baylor – You know you’re not the prettiest girl in the dance hall when Jim Grobe turns you down after three years of single life. Still, Matt Rhule was a pretty good hire, all things considered, y’know, give or take the fact that he has no ties to Texas. That’s not a big deal when it comes to recruiting, is it?
  1. Oregon – And so ends a lengthy streak of keeping matters in the Oregon family, which is what happens when you go from west coast dynasty to last place and losing to your rival for the first time since Senator Obama was looking like an underdog in his presidential campaign. Presumably, Willie Taggart won’t go looking to Cal Poly for his next quarterback.
  1. The #FunBelt – Lessee: a positioning statement/hashtag that’s derivative of #MACtion, maybe three programs that don’t belong in FCS, and a coming college football revolution mean…what? (Hint: your answer should include the word “irrelevant”.)
  1. Texas Tech – Kliff Kingsbury is still there? Doncha think it’s time to give [pick one from B.J. Symons, Graham Harrell, Seth Doege, Taylor Potts, or Davis Webb] a chance? Or, y’all could just apologize to The Pirate.
  1. UCLA – From darkhorse national contender to blowing up the offensive staff after going 4-8 and playing a former walk-on QB for half the year is the sort of thing that takes you from #BruinRevolution to #OurCoachIsRevolting in record time, so congrats on the amazing team speed, Bruins!
  1. Tennessee – Remember when this was the year the Vols would finally return to glory? Well, they kinda did – they ended the streak and beat a couple other ranked teams. They’d appreciate it if you’d kindly ignore the lame non-conference schedule (yes, besides VaTech), and those losses to South Carolina and Vandy. Also, a polite guest wouldn’t say anything about their inability to develop a seemingly talented QB. Expect UT to climb the chaos polls in 2017.
  1. Cincinnati – The Bearkats quietly crashed below the radar for most of the year until that paragon of class, Tommy T, made it screamingly clear that a program that had been rolling for years had rolled off a cliff. The new sheriff in Cincy is definitely a class act, but considering his one year of HC experience involved a disaster with the same talent that The Senator and Pope Urban led to glory shouldn’t exactly inspire confidence.
  1. The State Of Arizona – The good ship DickRod has hit a reef…again. This time, it looks like it just might capsize. (#FunBelt, here he comes!) And yet, his Cats still torpedoed the remnants of Paul Graham’s trainwreck from Tempe. A collective 3-15 in a painfully mediocre Pac-12 – and mediocre may be considered a compliment when ‘Bama gets done with the conference champion on New Year’s Eve – gives you the impression the whole state will bypass California and just fall into the ocean.
  1. Notre Dame – This pretty much says it all, doesn’t it?
  1. Georgia – What did we say? Did we tell you that capping a coach who’s doing pretty well because he’s not Nick Saban is asking for trouble? Okay, so Kirby’s first year wasn’t awful, but it sure as hell wasn’t an improvement, and precisely what hope do y’all see that the rest of us don’t, Dawgs? (We fully expect to say more or less the same thing about LSU in 12 months.)
  1. Kansas – How ’bout that Texas win? When it comes to the rest of the schedule, please continue to avert your eyes.
  1. Boring College – Please tell the world that wins over programs like Wagner and the poopstorm that is UConn do not mean you’re keeping the Baron of Boring in Boston for another year. You are? Seriously?
  1. Connecticut – Speaking of UConn, remember when the motto in Storrs was BIA (as in Best In America defense)? Finishing by giving up 68 to BC and Tulane pretty much put the fail nail in that coffin.
  1. Illinois – Yep, Lovie Smith sure was a major improvement over Bill Cubit.
  1. Bonus Ranker: Whoever Hires Hat – Come back, Les. We miss you, and the game isn’t nearly as fun – or unpredictably wacky – without you!

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