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This is one of those years where, whether it’s your coach or your whole freaking team, yours is a rather undead season, particularly as we wish Baylor, Nebraska, and West Virginia the best as they exit the national stage for points unknown but probably connected to a mid-level bowl game.

What do you think the odds are that we spend New Year’s Eve watching Bama stomp U-Dub while Clemson and Crazy Jim’s Winged Warriors throw down for the opportunity get destroyed on national television? Meanwhile, we’ve seen Charlie Strong and Brian Kelly totter back from the brink…just before some pre-Thanksgiving unfortunate event throws two very self-important fanbases back into a festive holiday tizzy.

And now, let’s meet this week’s undead:

1. The Big 12 – What? You didn’t really believe that West Virginia and Baylor were playoff contenders, did you? Now, if you all could just get Louisville to quickly change leagues, there’d be a little at the end of the tunnel that isn’t attached to an oncoming train. So…about that whole expansion dealybob…
   

2. Chicago Cubs – Yep, we’re still putting a baseball team in a college football snark column. Deal with it. Anyway, can you say 109 years?
   

3. Michigan State – It won’t be 109 years until little brother rises from the crypt, but it won’t be two years either.
   

4. Texas –. Charlie saved his gig, right? Right?!? Okay, maybe not, depending on what sort of silliness happens next, and there’s always something happening in Horns Country, isn’t there?
   

5. Baylor – Jim Grobe looks a tad less spooktacular than he did a week ago, eh Bears?
   

6. Tennessee – You’re trailing Kentucky in the SEC East, Vols? Dang, that is some serious messedupedness. Injuries aside, so much for turning the corner this year.
   

7. Ohio State – Going kaboom at Penn State is one thing. Almost going kaboom at home to Northwestern is decidedly another. The likelihood of things really going splat Thanksgiving weekend are increasing exponentially.
   

8. LSU – Tick…tick…tick…you can hear the pitter patter of crimson feet approaching, can’t you? Here’s a quiz: y’know what would be Les Miles’ ultimate revenge? Yep, the Tigers beating Bama, thus handing the Tiger Coaching Hat to that former Mississippi miracle maker, Coach Eaux.
   

9. Boise State – At least the Broncs know they’ll have January 2^nd free for whatever festive activities they’d like to engage in as a replacement for meaningful football.

10. Florida State – Time to start dreamily doodling the words “Belk Bowl”, assuming of course that the ‘Noles can work their way past Syracuse and Wake Forest in the division standings. Okay, so we kid. Y’all might still make the Russell Athletic Bowl. If only there was an F somewhere in that name so the HBC could officially declare, “You Can’t Spell Russell Athletic Bowl without FSU.”
    

11. Missouri – Remember when Mizzou was the belle of the SEC East? Boy, are those days ever in the rear view mirror.
    

12. Miami – And here you thought that starting 4-0 meant that the Recovering From The Golden Years plot was a short story. Apparently, it isn’t.
    

13. Georgia – Yet, even though we know that Mark Richt isn’t going to be a quick fix in Coral Gables, are you folks feeling just a little bit skittish about that decision to run him out of Dodge last year? (And if you aren’t, why not?)
    

14. Iowa State – Oops, they didn’t do it again, and that’s three near misses in four weeks. If there were an award for just missing the big upset, the Cyclones would win that sucker year in and year out.
    

15. Ole Miss – Giving up 112 points in three games means it’s time to retire the whole Landsharks deal and return to dreaming of escaping the division cellar.
    

16. Boring College – 21 points and a conference win? Suhweet! Anyway, have y’all fired Steve Addazio yet, or are you proud of being the worst .500 ballclub ever?
    

17. Virginia – Nice upset try, ‘Hoos – y’know, give or take the last 18 seconds! Pity the season’s disappearing into the haze, isn’t it? See what we did there?
    

18. Kansas – Still awful after all these years! It’s a good thing that West Virginia didn’t suffer an extremely disappointing loss right before next week’s game. With any luck at all, the Hawks can build on last week’s season-best 53-point and get into the 60’s this week.
    

19. UCLA – If the over/under on Bruin rushing yards this week isn’t a negative number, bet the under. At least the backup quarterback is thriving. And sure he’s in Japan, but still…
    

20. Louisville @ Houston – Remember when this game was either Louisville’s chance to get back in the playoff picture or Houston’s chance to lock up a spot? Good thing the Cards pulled that comeback or this sucker would have lost all of its luster instead of just half of it, now that Houston’s season has turned into a series of banana peel slips – not that that’s doing the Ville any favors either.

If you’ve walked this lovely planet of ours for a little while, you’ve probably figured out that everything eventually returns to its natural state. This week’s modestly intriguing lineup will offer us all a lesson in that reality…with a curveball, of course.

Seriously, this being college football, you realized that there will always be something unfathomable happening somewhere, right? So, while the status quo returns in places like East Lansing (hello, Little Brother), Oxford (hotty toddy, our team is shoddy), and Jacksonville (beer me, biznitch), last year’s national runner up simply refuses to Clemson.

Clemson @ Florida State – Clemson’s back on track. No, they’re not. Yes, they are. Felony State’s down this year, so it probably doesn’t matter.

Michigan @ Michigan State – It’ll take a lot more than a messed up punt to keep this one from being the game that returns the flow of events back to their usual direction.

Washington @ Utah – If you’re Larry Scott, try to suppress that sinking feeling that something nasty is about to happen to your one real shot at making it back into the playoff this year.

WLOCP – Surely, given the attempted name change, absolutely no cocktails will be consumed before, during, or after this year’s game…even if we’ll be watching two fanbases desperately in need of a drink. Note: in case you’re not clear on what you just read, click here.

West Virginia @ Oklahoma State – If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. If it looks like a 9-3 football team…well, you get the idea.

Nebraska @ Wisconsin – Speaking of undefeated teams whose records might be just a tad misleading, the Huskers are one win away from wrapping up the B1G West…or from being seven days away from blowing the whole thing.

Auburn @ Ole Miss – Do you know what to make of either of these teams? No, you don’t, though you’re wondering when Gus got a defense. Think of it this way: when Ole Miss and Ole Miss State are sitting at the bottom of the SEC West with 1-4 records come Sunday morning, it’ll be just like old times!