BLOG

As All Hallows Eve creeps up upon us, let’s count up the list of college football’s newly undead: Oregon, TCU, Michigan State, Stanford, and Mississippi State have joined the ranks of the terminally semi-undead like USC, Texas and Florida. Meanwhile, with LSU now Hatless, there’s a new champion of the “Are You Not Entertained?” crowd, and this coming week’s likely to be a doozy for our friends in Vol Nation.

Finally, with Houston’s dream season now toast, America can turn to wondering where Tom Herman ends up next year: LSU? USC? Texas? Notre Dame? Oregon?

1. Tennessee – If we had to listen to Gary Danielson utter the words “pixie dust” one more time, we’d have spent the rest of the night retching uncontrollably. We’ll give you this, Vols: for two years, no one’s made it more entertaining than you. (Not even The Hat.) Y’all best to get off to a fast start against Bama next week or your old friends from Gainesville are going to be back in the SEC East mix. Oh, and about those seven turnovers…
2. Notre Dame – Yeah, the weather sucked. Also, you’re a very Charlie Weis-ish 2-4 (and that’s without a decided schematic advantage).
3. USC – Surely a four-point win over a ranked powerhouse like Colorado will put Trojan fans at ease, particularly now that their anti-heroes are 3-3 with four eminently losable games at the end of the schedule. But hey, how ’bout that Sam Darnold?!?
4. LSU – Picture this B.R. nightmare scenario: something bizarre happens that prevents the Tigers from playing Bama while the Florida game never gets rescheduled. Coach Eaux goes undefeated and gets the fulltime gig. Now, that’s the kind of scary story that should give Tiger fans a real Halloween fright.
5. Texas – It’s been written in these parts that it would be a mistake to fire Charlie, and we stand by it. That said, Charlie making himself the D.C. might have been a tad of a mistake too – y’know, like 45 points and almost 700 yards worth of mistake.
6. Oregon – Wow, was that ever an unholy asswhipping! The Ducks are now projected to face Florida in this year’s Oops, We Didn’t Do It Again Bowl (assuming the Ducks are bowl eligible, of course). Big ups, however, on pulling out the worst throwback unis this side of the Pittsburgh Steelers.
7. Illinois – Congrats on handing Purdue their first road win since…two years ago when they made their last visit to Champaign. Do you get the feeling that Bill Cubit wouldn’t have the team playing any worse than Lovie Smith?
8. TCU – Almost losing to Kansas = uh oh. Almost losing to Kansas on a wide right kick after letting them convert on 4^th-and-22 with a hook and lateral? That’s like triple uh oh.
9. Michigan State – It’s official. 2016 is the year a bunch of recent minidynasties died. Here’s guessing the Michigan game ends differently this year.
10. Houston – Now that he’s not going to be getting ready for the College Football Playoff, where ya think Tom Herman will be working come mid-December?
11. Florida State – Nice skin-of-your-teeth win over The U. Anyway, when the bidding war for Tom Herman gets done, y’all better hope he ends up in Baton Rouge. Right, Jimbo?
12. Iowa – The Kirk Ferentz mehritocracy continues with a convincing effort against a fading Minnesota program. Convincing? Yep, we’re more convinced every week that last year was a fluke.
13. Boston College – Ten points against Clemson? We’re sorry. We retract everything negative we’ve ever said about your offense. Just go on about your season. On a serious note, it sure does look like the Tigers have hit their stride, doesn’t it?
14. Georgia Tech – It’s one thing to be a ramblin’ wreck. It’s enough to put half of Hotlanta to sleep while you’re meanderin’, er, ramblin’. The triple option is a really good second-tier offense, and you’re…never mind.
15. Iowa State – Kansas is sure giving the Cyclones a run for their “crown”, but as I-state has shown these last two weeks, year in and year out, there’s nobody better at almost pulling off the big upset while careening to one-and-whatever. (Okay, 1-5 if you must know.)
16. Kansas – And yet, you have to salute the Jayhawks for continuing their run as the worst Power 5 program in the game with three ranked teams and Oklahoma State on deck.
17. Fresno State – San Diego State has one loss while Fresno State has one win? Who went all Freaky Friday on the Mountain West?
18. Mississippi State – Dang, y’all have gone from cowbells to cow pies in Stark Vegas. At least Dak sure looks good with a star on his helmet.
19. The Pac-12 – Yo fellas, Midnight Madness is supposed to be a basketball thing, not the majority of your conference football schedule. Did anything interesting happen while America was sawing toothpicks?
20. Stanford – Okay, we know that one interesting thing happened, and while we didn’t see it, hoo boy is that box score ugly.