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The Chaos Index, Week Three: Chaos Comes To The Preseason Top 10
There’s a one-word theme that ran throughout college football this weekend: disappointment. You can sense the sadness seeping from South Bend, Tallahassee and Norman, can’t you? You can feel the feel the foreboding lingering over Knoxville, Oxford, Eugene, and downtown Los Angeles too, right? Inhale deeply enough, and you’ll even capture the confusion in Austin.
Happily, times are as abnormal as ever in Baton Rouge, where our weekly trip to Chaos Country begins [pick one: (a) again or (b) as usual].
- LSU – A little clock mismanagement at the end of the first half. A little clock mismanagement late in the second half. A nearly-blown 20-point lead. In other words, just another typical day in Hatland, only now the natives are losing their shit.
- Florida State – Speaking of LSU, sayyyy Jimbo, is Baton Rouge starting to look a little more interesting about now? Sayyyy ‘Noles fan, are you starting to feel a sense of creeping dread about Jimbo reconsidering B.R. about now?
- Tennessee – Speaking of a sense of creeping dread, after an…ahem…unsatisfying tuneup, it’s rivalry week! That chill running across America’s spine isn’t global cooling; it’s just the overflow from Knox Vegas’ impending sense of trainwreck.
- Oklahoma – Speaking of modes of transportation, the Good Ship Stoops is getting closer to capsizing as it continues to disappoint the natives in Norman as the Sooners went boom against another top-flight opponent. Now that Texas might (or might not) be back on track, things are getting real interesting, aren’t they?
- Oregon – Things might also be getting more interesting in Eugene, now that the Chip Kelly train has been out of the station for a while. Tell the truth: it does your heart good to see the Ducks too-cool-to-kick-the-single act finally come back to bite them on the butt, doesn’t it?
- Texas – You did not just do that, did you? But…but…everything was going so well. Cal just got worked by San Diego State. What could you possibly have been…never mind. We’ll just sit back and watch the Texas-sized letdown, pleased with the fact that everything is bigger there.
- Ole Mess – It’s just like watching Tennessee last year. Y’all best to stick to single digit leads for the rest of the year.
- USC – Well, that sure was a gutty little loss, not getting thoroughly bludgeoned by Stanford…and here the Men Of Troy thought there were no moral victories in football. No doubt, the always even-tempered Trojan fan base will avoid soiling themselves over the thought of One-Win Clay replacing Seven-Win Sark.
- Wisconsin – That LSU win may not have been as good as you thought, huh? On the other hand, that clock you hear ticking is pointing the way to a great opportunity…or an incendiary schedule that’s about to blow up on you. The next three weeks provide you the rare prospect of posting very impressive wins against both Michigan schools and Ohio State, and warming up with a tight win over Georgia State it the, uh, perfect way to prepare for that meat grinder.
- Army – It takes some serious badasses to upend the dominant theme of the week, and are there any bigger badasses than America’s soldiers and the young folks training to join them? We think not. We say it all the time: chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Putting up 66 points on…anyone? On track to go 7-0? This just might be a very satisfying season in West Point. Don’t go nuts yet – not until the streak ends – but the light at the end of the tunnel might just be the sun breaking through.
- Notre Dame – For it’s one…two…uh, just two strikes you’re out in the old college football playoff.
- Auburn – There seems to be more chaos per capita in America’s Conference than anywhere else. (Shocking, eh?) And now, it’s almost time to tell Gus to get gone. If only they didn’t take this stuff so seriously. (Just kidding. Dang, we’re glad they take this stuff so seriously.)
- Fresno State – Remember when Tim DeRuyter was the hot name for every non-marquee Power Five coaching gig? He’s about to be the hot name for every Big Sky coaching gig.
- Virginia – Either Mike London left a much bigger mess than anyone knew – and considering how well he recruited, that’s hard to believe – or the Bronco hire might not have been the Hoos best call.
- Kentucky – Giving up 42 points to New Mexico State is not a good luck for, well, anyone. It’s a particularly bad look for a team on the verge.
- Boston College – Ooh, an FCS program next week – a really bad one! The Eagles are going to be the worst 2-2 disaster in the history of college football. Heck, with this schedule, they could easily be the worst 3-2 team ever…before ending up 3-9 (or 2-10).
- Charlotte – Again, why are you here? You could be down in the SoCon, rather than debasing yourselves against teams that went 1-11 last year.
- The Rice M.O.B. – Hey, Marching Owl Band – we know you’re trying desperately to be like the Stanford band, but here’s a thought: there are a handful of things you don’t make fun of. Rape happens to be one of those things. You couldn’t find anything else about Baylor to mock? A university from a city whose name all but invites abuse and that features a well-known (and really good) greasy spoon called Health Camp? And here we thought y’all were Stanford-level geniuses.
- Iowa – Last year most certainly was not an illusion. Nope, not at all. How ya feelin’ about that extension you just gave Kirk Ferentz, Hawks? Anyway, not to worry, last year was totally the real deal, and it won’t be misleading when you wipe out Rutgers and Northwestern either. Not one bit.
- The Idgits Calling The Iowa-NDSU Game – About that tired fourth quarter OHMIGODTHISCOULDBETHEMOSTAMAZINGUPSETSINCEAPPSTATE rap: have you all not been watching the past six seasons? Kirk Ferentz compared the Bison to a B1G squad? No freaking kidding. They’d be a mid-level team in every power conference except – maybe – the SEC.
Countdown To Chaos, Week Three: Actual Games That Matter
Lookee here – we have a real schedule again! It’s almost like THE GREATEST OPENING WEEKEND EVER…only it’s a much better and deeper lineup featuring major powers doing battle, midmajor powers doing battle, and the ultimate D1 power doing battle in a game the oddsmakers won’t touch with a ten-foot bison.
Grab a couch, a cold beverage, and a couple gobs of meat and cheese, and let’s party!
Florida State @ Louisville – Yep, here’s your chance to start your Saturday football binge watching a bona fide Heisman Trophy contender facing his first big challenge of the year. Interestingly, the guy’s name isn’t Dalvin Cook.
North Dakota State @ Iowa – Well, this’ll be fascinating, won’t it? Sure, Iowa’s coming off their first CyHawk win in a few year, but this is a real step up in class for them, going from Iowa State to the five-time defending national champions. At least they’re at home. They’ll need all the help they can get. Seriously.
Ohio State @ Oklahoma – It’s Urban Meyer’s killing machine against Bob Stoops’ disappointment machine. Sure the game’s in Norman, and sure the Bucks haven’t faced serious opposition yet this year, but the Sooners are favored because…why?
Miami @ Appalachian State – Yeah, they make these schedules years in advance, so no one could have known that Mark Richt would be the new guy in town, trying to keep some early momentum rolling with his Canes. Awkward timing aside, who was the genius who thought it was a good idea to send The U to The Boone for a game that can only lead to bad things against a team that has a funny way of making bad things happen to big names?
San Diego State @ Northern Illinois – You know how it goes. You’ll be watching Bama and Ole Miss and then those in-game reports will start rolling in and you’ll realize this is a much better game. No doubt, you’ll keep watching Bama, but at least you’ll know to flip over to this one during annoying Buick commercials. Anyway, NIU’s 0-2 and SDSU’s on fire, but betcha this one’s way closer than that 11-point spread. Wait a sec. Drew Hare’s out? Never mind.
Alabama @ Ole Miss – Revenge is a dish best served with pigskin (and a mobile quarterback). On the other hand, Chad Kelly could definitely do another one of his “Look at me. I’m related to you-know-who!” acts. On the third hand, he could end up seeing ghosts again too.
Michigan State @ Notre Dame – Is this the year Sparty finally goes back to being the Sparty we knew and didn’t care about all those years? Considering the way the Irish showed against Texas, maybe not. Whatever happens, you will have the pleasure of hearing the words “Equanimeous St. Brown” several times, and that’s worth the price of admission all by itself.
USC @ Stanford – Which is the real USC: the one that got bludgeoned by Bama or the one that bludgeoned Utah State. We’ll all know the answer after Christian McCaffrey gets done bludgeoning them Saturday night.
Oregon @ Nebraska – Words you don’t hear too often unless Stanford is involved: Oregon Ducks, underdogs. Considering Mike Riley’s debut season, we’re not sure why you’re hearing them now, particularly since NU’s two opening blowouts were against the Mountain West’s sick cousins. (Never thought you’d hear that about Fresno State, didja?) Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see whether two great teams show up or two really mediocre teams show up, so it’s perfect if Bama-Ole Miss doesn’t turn into another Rebel Surprise.
Duke @ Northwestern – Remember when this was a matchup of two elite private schools with embarrassing football teams? Well, no need for nostalgia. It’s just the way you remember it!
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