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When you’re looking at a passel of unmitigated crap games – your second-week payoff for THE GREATEST OPENING WEEKEND EVER!!! – you look for a savior…any savior.

And really, when it comes to chaos, is there any greater savior than The Hat? As always, Loveable Les conjured up some festive doings while T. Boone Pickens’ minions treated us to our first “What The Hell Was That?” finish of the year.

And with that, guess who are still college footballs kings of chaos.

1. LSU – The people of the great nation of Louisiana despaired of their fate, certain of the tragedy that awaited them against lowly Jacksonville State. Then, through a cloud of smoke, their new hero rode in on a white-jerseyed horse to save the, fresh from his conquests at…er…transfer from Purdue, and Nick Saban smiled softly to himself. Welcome back to the hot seat, Les. Thanks for being you.
2. Oklahoma State – Well done, Pokes! We have our first official Maximum Chaos Conclusion of the new season. Oh, and make sure you keep it as classy as your coach, rather than bitching about the fact that that play should never have happened because (1) you should have stopped it, and (2) you were outplayed by Central Freaking Michigan, y’know, a directional school.
3. Texas Tech – The Raiders will spend Sunday trying to wash Sparky’s tire tracks off their back. In case y’all missed it, the number of that speeding truck that kept hitting you was 7; congratulations on helping him get 8. Rather than thinking about how Northern Arizona’s defense is apparently better than yours, think about this, Kliff: Louisiana Tech’s not nearly as down as everyone thought they be this year, so this Saturday’ll be fun.
4. Clemson – Something’s not quite right in Death Valley, and the funny part is that it’s not with the defense that lost so many studs. In particular, Messrs. Watson and Gallman don’t seem to be firing on all cylinders yet. Is it a national championship hangover? A slow start? Kids who are basically still teenagers believing the hype? Dabo’s got three weeks to get it all figured out before Lamar Jackson and friends come to town.
5. Northwestern – Now that the preliminaries are done, it’s about time to jump into the serious part of the schedule, give or take the fact that Duke is playing more like Illinois State than Duke so far this year, but that doesn’t sound like a good thing at the moment either, does it? As early flameouts go, yours is a doozy.
6. Kentucky – Little was funnier this weekend than happening to tune into a radio broadcast of the game just in time to hear some shill proclaim that UF-UK was a matchup of two teams on the rise. Anyway, the Wildcat Soufflé seems to have collapsed, and the pitchforks and torches have officially come out. Not to worry, Big Blue Nation! It’s just 33 days until Big Blue Madness!
7. Army – Two things to never forget: (1) sometimes, chaos is your friend and (2) never, ever will you see us slag a service academy here – it’s not going to happen. That said, your friendly Captain saw Army in person twice last year – early in the season and against Navy – and had the feeling things were about to get better for the Black Knights. At this point, it’s pretty easy to see them playing in a bowl game and ending the streak, and if that happens, you can imagine the happy chaos that will ensue.
8. San Diego State – Speaking of happy chaos, you got any idea about who’s got the second-longest winning streak in the nation? Hint: their stud running back just did Cal for 310 total yards and they’ve got the best defensive player in the Group of 5. Oh, and a 12-0 regular season has pretty much been gifted to the Aztecs by Mr. Schedule.
9. Purdue – It’s okay Boilers fans: with a week off to prepare for a Nevada team that’s, er, uh, not going to live up to the program’s usual standards, your heroes have a real shot at one more win this season. Instead of thinking about the fact that Darrel Hazell’s getting more than two mil a year for this, just root for Danny Etling for a while.
10. TCU – A kinda sorta balanced Bret Bielema offense? TCU unable to play defense? It was quite the Freaky Saturday on Hell’s Half Acre. In fact, it makes you wonder if the wheels are starting to come off.
11. Georgia – Hanging on for a two-point win over an FCS team that was 3-8 last year is uh…um…not how you want to head into SEC play, but it’s exactly how you want to head into the kind of sloppy season that we love here in Chaosland. Here’s hoping the Dawgs do a better job with Champagne Jacob Eason than Missouri’s done so far with Drew Lock. Right now, Georgia’s season arc kinda feels like Mizzou’s did last year.
12. Los Angeles (Blue) – Piles of mysteriously disappearing players, a heaping helping of key injuries, and a defense that’s two weeks from watching Christian McCaffrey drill them for 400+ yards means the #bruinrevolution has started to turn revolting.
13. Los Angeles (Red) – Internal fights, in-game ejections, the confirmation that Western Kentucky appears to be in better shape than Southern California, and Stanford coming off a bye – in the second week, Cards? – means Troy is just days from watching Christian McCaffrey drill them for 300+ yards and a near-total meltdown in the Land That Is Temporarily Clay Helton’s.
14. North Carolina State – Just four weeks until major college football’s least relevant program begins The Five Weeks That Killed Dave Doeren’s career!
15. Hawai’i – Two blowouts followed by a barnburner against Tennessee…Martin. Yep, this is not going to be a quick fix.
16. Arizona – Way to show you can come back from 18 down against a middling FCS program after it loses its starting quarterback. And yeah, we know Anu Solomon was out, but that’s a weak, weak excuse. It’s a good thing you’ve got Hawai’i coming to Tucson.
17. Kent State – The thing about booking two FCS programs in back-to-back weeks is that you kinda need to beat them both, preferably quite easily, and particularly if the other two games in your opening month involve Alabama and Penn State. Anyway, good luck on trying to lock in a 1-3 start next week, and while we’re on the subject…
18. Penn State – Remember when James Franklin was the first name mentioned any time there was a major opening?
19. Kansas – So much for storming the field again this year.
20. The Schedule – Boy, that College Football Playoff has sure made programs schedule more aggressively, hasn’t it? Seriously? In case you haven’t noticed, the only thing that’s changed is the Week One window dressing. Remember that when all the SEC powers are playing FCS teams in November.