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The Chaos Index, Week 11: Good Night Sweet Pac
Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a good week for interim coaches, was it? It wasn’t much better for the Power Five’s two westernmost conferences.
- Pac-12 – Is it parity, or is it just that the entire conference is vaguely above average? Whatever it is, the vast majority of America can rest comfortably in the knowledge that it will never have to actually watch the Pac-12 on television unless it is suffering from insomnia. They sure won’t have to watch the P12 in the playoffs this year.
- Big 12 – Great news! Never you mind that you’re down to one unbeaten team (and one that almost got pantsed by Iowa State, at that). With the P12 out of the way, you’re not going to get left out of the playoff again this year! Hold on a sec. What’s that about Notre Dame? Sorry, better dust off those pitchforks and torches.
- UCLA – What do you do when your offense is moving down the field with ease and has the ball inside the other team’s five? Eureka! Howzabout sending out a bunch of defensive guys to play offense so that a defensive lineman can jump early and cost you a touchdown. What do you do when the offense immediately moves back inside the five with ease? Of course! Send ’em back out there and lose another TD. Throw in a disastrous punt/fake option with a wide receiver punting for zero yards and you’ve got entirely misplaced hubris. Great coaches put players in a position to do what they do best. What do you call the coach who made these moves? Two ironic notes: (1) luckily for you all, about ten people outside of the West Coast saw it, and (2) the Bruins somehow still “control their destiny” in the P12 South. Life is funny; horrible playcalling is funnier.
- USC – Oh look – it’s an L.A. special! Not that we couldn’t have done it from the get-go, but three points over a Colorado team playing their backup, freshman quarterback means we can officially bid a fond farewell to the notion of Head Coach Clay Helton, whose agent is presumably calling Champaign and Honolulu post haste. And now to answer the big question: Justin Fuente or Tom Herman? Speaking of which…
- Houston – Congratulations on a phenomenal coaching hire! We’re sure you’ll do just as well this coming off-season. Sleep well in the knowledge that at least your guy officially won Up-And-Coming-Coach Belle Of The Ball honors over the heavy favorite.
- LSU – We’ve had some nasty hangovers before, but geez guys, that Alabama Slammer number you’ve got takes the pie in the face, er, cake. Baton Rouge, you now have almost ten months to sleep that sucker off before taking another run at the CFP/Heisman double next year. And don’t worry – even though Tricky Nicky jilted you, you’re still plenty cute.
- TCU – Kansas? Seriously? Precisely how did THAT almost happen? The rest of the year is really going to suck if Trevone Boykin can’t come back.
- USC (SEC Edition) – Everybody has such nice things to say about Shawn Elliott. He sounds like the kind of guy any program will be lucky to have. Now that the Cocks are officially done after Clemson roasts them in two weeks, we’re guessing that any program is just a couple weeks from being able to have him.
- Illinois – We’ve kept away from the Illini this year since the coaching thing blew up so early and everything has been predictably blah in Champaign since then. However, now that you’ve divested yourselves of your A.D. too, we feel it’s a good time to say, “Hey guys, congratulations on having on truly messed up football season!”
- Georgia – Speaking of interim coaches, Mark Richt is pretty much his own interim replacement at this point, considering how the din to run him out of Athens on the next train is so persistent. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again, place a call to Lincoln or Hattiesburg before you make that move, Dawgs.
- Texas – Good night sweet Horns. Here’s hoping Charlie doesn’t send you a Dear John letter from Coral Gables.
- Virginia – And so the sun presumably sets on the Mike London era. Best to get moving now, Hoos, or you’ll be looking at picking up another FCS coach instead of making a run at DickRod or whoever else it is you really want.
- Virginia Tech – Speaking of coaching situations in the Commonwealth, at this point, if you’re not a Wahoo and you’re not rooting for Beamerball to finish with his bowl streak intact, you have no soul.
- Utah – Inescapable sadness at the thought of what might have been, combined with a rich palette of opportunities for one Kyle David Whittingham – USC?, USC?, The U?, Texas (if Charlie walks) – mean that the sadness might linger longer than that Tide-induced cloud in Louisiana will.
- Miami – Speaking of interim coaches who will not become the permanent coach, way to make yourselves look like a choice destination, guys. Keep losing like that and you’ll be choosing between a Stoops brother and a Petrino brother. Last word on interim coaches: uh, not happening at Maryland, Hawaii, or NoTex either.
- Iowa – Remember that year that Notre Dame made it all the way to the national championship game before they finally got (badly) exposed? Well, welcome to your 12-0 dream season, Hawks! You might want to start preparing for tOSU now – you’re going to need all the time you can get.
- Kentucky – Things are looking up! Okay, so they’re not looking up any more. Relax, it’s basketball season, which means…things are looking up!
- Purdue – We have little doubt that Darrell Hazell is a really nice guy. Still, one great year in MAC and six wins in three years in the B1G makes him “the right guy to lead [your] program?” We agree. Your program should be led by a guy who grabs a couple wins every year.
- Washington – Speaking of right guys to lead your program, how are y’all feeling about Coach Pete right now, U-Dub? Considering you’ll need to beat a vastly improved Wazzu just to go bowling in Year Two, he’s going to have to work a minimiracle just to reach Seven Win Sark territory.
- Army – We’ve promised ourselves to never include any of America’s service academies in here because we have nothing but respect, appreciation and love for the women and men who make such a huge commitment to serve our country. We’re breaking that promise to make an editorial comment. We went to West Point for the first time this year and came away with one realization: every single cadet is an amazingly conditioned athlete. That said, might it be possible that the triple option just isn’t working for Army and that an offense that emphasizes speed, conditioning and athletic ability – yep, we’re talking hurry-up spread – might be a better call?
Countdown To Chaos, Week 11: Nothing Weird About To Happen – Nope, Nothing At All
You’d think that, for Week 11, we’d get a more interesting schedule than this. (For a point of reference, see last week.) Of course, we’ve reached that point in the year when THERE ARE GOING TO BE SO MANY UNDEFEATED AND ONE-LOSS TEAMS THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO BE A MESS!!!
In other words, we’ve reached that point in the season when inexplicable shit starts turning your expectations upside down. For example, here is a list of teams that absolutely positively will not lose this weekend: Clemson, Florida, Ohio State, Oklahoma State, Iowa. Betcha one or more of them lose this weekend. Enjoy the rollercoaster.
Alabama @ Mississippi State – Now that the Tide is once again God’s gift to football, you may feel free to conveniently overlook that home loss to an Ole Miss team with three L’s on their record. We wouldn’t advise doing that, particularly since the Tide looked vulnerable to a pretty good QB last week, and Dak Prescott is more than pretty good. A lot more.
Oklahoma @ Baylor – The battle to crown One True One-Loss Champion continues as the Big 12 continues to make the case for an eight-team playoff that includes the Power 5 champions, a Group of 5 team, and two wild cards. Fear not, Big 12, we’re betting the Pac-12 is the one that gets hosed this year, though a one-loss Notre Dame would pave the way for two conferences to get jammed.
Memphis @ Houston – Hot diggity, it’s Coaching Audition Survivor! Pat Haden and Blake James should host a post-game wine and caviar party with the winning coach signing a $5 million a year contract to coach U$C and the loser settling for $4 mil a year from The U.
Arkansas @ LSU – It’s this week’s Crazy Shit Special. What do you think wins the game? A no-look behind-the-back lateral from the holder to the placekicker on a fake field goal with the kicker then giving the ball back to the holder on a Statue of Liberty play?
Oregon @ Stanford – It’s the Pac-12 Game Of The Year!!! Okay, maybe not, but when’s the last time you saw Oregon listed as a 10-point dog? The Cards have been great all year, and Oregon’s a bit of a mess right now. There’s no reason to expect anything surprising from the Ducks. There never is.
USC @ Colorado – The Trojans have almost stepped on the banana peel so many times it’s scary. The Buffs have almost broken through so many times it’s scary. We couldn’t possibly see a Friday night harmonic convergence any more than, say, Iowa State could shut out Texas. Nope. It’ll never happen.
Virginia Tech @ Georgia Tech – It’s all about the bowl streak, and it would suck for Beamerball’s streak to end in his last season. On the other hand, it would suck for the Jackets to not even play in a bottom of the barrel bowl in a year that started with champagne wishes and championship dreams. While a loss doesn’t kill the streak, it comes damn close, so somebody’s going to feel a little extra ennui when this one’s done.
Pitt @ Duke –We’re as surprised as you are that this game has actual consequences. Well, it kinda sorta has consequences. It would mean a lot more if both teams hadn’t imploded against UNC. Second place in the ACC Coastal is some pretty serious stakes, right? (Okay, maybe not.)
Georgia @ Auburn – Is it just us, or is every Auburn game this year The Battle Of The Severely Disappointed? We could make this interesting by putting all the QB’s into a raffle and letting fate determine who starts for each team.
Kansas @ TCU – It’s our weekly Please Someone Score A Whole Hundred This Season game! Now Frogs, you’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re going to need to show the playoff committee your “game control” stripes, and what better way to do it than to hang a C Note on the worst team in FCS, er, FBS.
Texas @ West Virginia – Could someone please explain to us what West Virginia is doing in the “Big 12”? Could someone please explain to us why the Big 12 is called the Big 12? Could someone please explain to us how both of these programs have fallen so far so fast?
North Carolina State @ Florida State – How weird is it to think about NCSU actually having a chance in this game? It’s plenty weird, innit? Okay, then don’t waste your time. All the Pack’s wins are, in a word, crap.
Washington @ Arizona State – This might be the most interesting game in history involving teams on the verge of falling to 4-6. In theory, senior leadership at quarterback should make all the difference in the world, especially since the Devils are so dang talented they opened the season as the trendy P12 South pick. See the Dawgs D this year? Seen the maroon and gold in desert dweller’s faces when their team falls apart?
Fresno State @ Hawaii – Don’t watch for the football, just for the lovely b-rollish shots of Diamond Head, Waikiki and whatnot.
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