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Given that next Saturday is Halloween, we should have expected some of our football favorites to amp up the scary stuff this week. Congrats to Al Golden on going out with a bang! (He can’t really get the rest of the season after slow-walking The U to its worst loss in forever, can he?) Congrats to Free Shoes U on finding a way to avoid letting Clemson scramble their playoff hopes. Best of all, congrats to Texas for demonstrating how the page has been turned by taking another bad punt snap and magically making it into a great play! Everything’s going to be fine in Austin, fellas…well, until you play Baylor.

1. Miami – There are no words, at least not ones that include more than four letters and the suffix –ing, to describe this week’s carnage. If Blake James stands by his vow not to #FireAlGolden before the end of the season, here’s a troubling story he might want to consider: your Captain watched the first half of the noon Eastern games on an elliptical at the gym, which had two games on TV, Clemson-Miami and Iowa State-Baylor. The routs pretty much tracked evenly until just before halftime. When your team – at home – is getting whipped worse than Iowa State on the road, it’s time to, well, you know.

• Postscript: Miami (After) – Y’all are the Canes, right? The thugs of college football? Fine, prove it. Get on a gold-plated plane wearing combat fatigues. Fly to Memphis. Tell Coach Fuente you’ve got Nevin Shapiro and a Banana Republic full of money – doesn’t matter whether it’s the store or a small nation – holed up in an undisclosed building in South Beach. Don’t take no for an answer if you know what I mean.

2. Florida State – Well shee-it, it’s not like Felony State has had any experience with a team that won a game with a last-second Kick Six, have they? The bad news, Noles: your margin for error is officially toast. The good news: you’re not going to need it. After all, y’know that Miami team you barely got by? Clemson just squashed them like a bug. At least Everett Golson won’t have to worry about experiencing another squashing of his own in another national championship game.
   

3. Nebraska – Repeat after me, Husker Nation: at least it wasn’t a last-minute, skin-of-your-teeth loss. (Unless, of course, you count the missed two-point conversion with four minutes to go.) Don’t worry, Bo’s not doing any better in Youngstown this year and Frank Solich is barely above .500 in the MAC. Repeat after me (reprise): sometimes, it’s best not to freak out when the coach “only” wins nine or ten games a year.

4. Auburn – This year’s Iron Bowl might just look a little more like 2012 (y’know, the year the Tide rolled 49-0) than 2013 (yep, the Kick Six game). Actually, everything left on the schedule except that gimme against Idaho might be less than memorable (unless you wear crimson, of course).

5. Tennessee – We dunno why, but we’re really really rooting for you, Vols. Actually, we do know why: it’s painful to watch you come so close over and over and over only to miss the brass ring yet again. (Yeah, we know, Georgia.) From here on out, the coast to an 8-4 regular season is pretty clear, and if you want bUTch back again next year without the fan base completely freaking out, you might want to make sure you don’t slip up against, say, Kentucky.

6. Washington – Ahh U-Dub, you’ve become the Tennessee of the West Coast. You’re a former monster, and we can’t quite figure why you haven’t gotten back on track yet. Every year, you get that one quality pelt; this year, it’s USC. Then, you just miss out on the higher-quality pelts on your hunt, y’know, the Boise States, Oregons, and Stanfords. (Okay, so Stanford wasn’t exactly a near miss, but you get the point.) There’s always next year, Dawgs.

7. Indiana – Congratulations on hanging in there a lot longer than anyone expected, Hoosiers. And with that, welcome (briefly) to .500. One good thing: big ups on not just going out quietly, but imploding in style in the fourth quarter. That was impressive!

8. Michigan State – Speaking of Indiana, nice job continuing to play with fire, Sparty! Didja notice what Ohio State did to Rutgers – the same Rutgers that scared the bejeebers out of you a couple weeks ago? Every single B1G win has been like pulling teeth, and you’ve got three weeks to fix whatever’s ailing you, or tOSU is going to give you a root canal you’ll never forget in Columbus.

9. Texas A&M – 192 yards against the Landsharks, and you didn’t even give Kyler Murray a run? Something’s fishy in College Station. Ugly losses aside, Kevin Sumlin is plenty Hollywood enough to be in the running for USC, meaning an impending sense of doom is not entirely out of line in Aggieland.

10. Arizona – Remember when your season looked promising, guys? Forget it. And yet, with his resume – such as it is – DickRod is still a threat to jump to South Carolina, Miami, Maryland, or wherever.

11. The Virginians – Two more nails will seal Mike London’s coffin in Charlottesville. And yet, given how well he’s recruited talent to the official sinkhole of the ACC, whatever comes next won’t necessarily be an upgrade. Meanwhile in Blacksburg, Frank Beamer’s “decision to retire” might only be two more losses away too, and whatever happens with him, it’s going to be messy.

12. Hawaii – We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: we hate that the sun is about to set on the head coaching career of Norm Chow. We also hate that summer is quickly turning into winter and that our life is not constantly populated by an audience of puppies and kittens. Reality sucks.

13. Texas Tech – So promising. So very promising. Or not. What else is new?

14. Fresno State – Yet another reminder that firing the head coach because you keep thinking you’re doing pretty well, but not quite well enough, is usually a really bad idea. It’s a good thing that the old coach isn’t sitting in the press box every week doing color commentary. That would just be awkward.

15. Missouri – We knew the offense was done broke, but Vanderbilt? Not sure if Gary Pinkel has noticed, but you folks are in serious danger of not going to a bowl game. Perhaps it’s not too late to call Maty Mauk back from wherever he’s been disappeared to.

16. Kentucky – Remember that hot start in Lexington? Fuhgeddaboutit. About now, whichever Stoops brother is coaching the Cats is just happy that Charlotte and Vanderbilt are on the schedule.

17. Louisiana Monroe – Dang, you guys have really traveled below the radar considering that Todd Berry is six years in, and your only win is against an FCS program. That season-ender against New Mexico State is going to be a real barn burner. Okay, so maybe it’ll be more like one of those sparklers you hand the kids on Independence Day.

18. Utah – Look on the bright side, Utes – you’re probably done hearing about Kyle Whittingham moving up in the division without you. Now, you’ll just hear about him going to Miami, Columbia, and other festive points unknown. (Sayyy Rutgers, have we got a new coach for you!)

19. Iowa State – As long as you’re cool finishing with wins over Kansas and an FCS school, there’s no reason to freak out, fellas. None at all. The butt fumble, however, was a nice touch.

20. Florida Atlantic – We’re trying to care, but you’re not making it easy. You’re in Boca. That alone should make things more interesting. Unless you’re inclined to give Charlie Partridge a third year, perhaps you could bring in a rotating cast of retirees from New York to spice things up. On a serious note, Al Golden did a hell of a job at Temple.