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THE CHAOS INDEX, WEEK SIX: SOMETIMES CHAOS WEARS A SMILEY FACE
Chaos doesn’t have to be your enemy. Sometimes, crazy stuff is your BFF, particularly if, say, you wake up to having two Leonard Fournettes and possibly even a real, live passing game. Other times, your world is rapidly spinning out of control until you hand your top-10 rival their first loss…just like two years ago.
- LSU – If you were wondering what Southern hospitality looks like, check out last Saturday in Baton Rouge. In far, far less important matters – y’know, actual football – if you were wondering what chaos looks like, check out pretty much any other Tiger game. Oh, and if you were wondering what chaos for the rest of the sport looks like, check out Leonard Fournette as their second leading rusher behind a guy who hates the ground. Next Saturday is going to be plenty, er, chaotic in B.R.
- Florida – Yep, we put them here just so we could call this week’s game a #1 vs. #2 matchup. (Plus, Texas won, so they get a minor break.) Who didn’t see the Gators having the SEC East pretty much wrapped up by the second week of October? Oh right, everybody. Last minute bonus chaos: Treon Harris…come on down!!! Or is he still suspended too?
- Michigan – Speaking of your ship potentially coming in two years earlier than expected, giving up zero points over the last three games changes your expectations a little, doesn’t it? The Khaki Legend will officially be out of control if they beat Little Brother this week. Plus, Sparty looks a little vulnerable about now. Of course, Kaptain Khaki doesn’t exactly have the more talented team, and if things go badly at the Big House this weekend…
- Texas – It’s 2013 all over again!!! We’ve been expecting the Horns to wake up and bring the chaos down on someone’s head for a while now, and who better than Boomed Sooner yet again? Enjoy the bye week and don’t even think about the possibility of a Wildcat regression in two weeks before that two-week lull in the action against Iowa State and Kansas.
- Utah – The Pac-12 is down to one undefeated team? Surely you must be talking about Oreg US UCL Stanf Ariz Utah? Nothing unexpected about that at all, is there? A P12 title game between the Utes and Stanford sure would be the sexy showdown Larry Scott’s always had in mind, wouldn’t it? (Note: for the unsubtle, this is called sarcasm. Really heavy sarcasm.)
- Portland State – How does an FCS school end up here? Simple, pound the snot out of a horrible C-USA team in the same season that you beat a Power 5 squad that just worked Oregon in Eugene. When Oregon wins the Civil War this year, the Vikings will be clear kings of the state. In some places, they’d be burning overturned cars for less.
- Rutgers – While there may be no such thing as moral victories, watching your best player come thisclose to beating the #4 team in the country singlehandedly is a pretty good sign for the rest of the year. Whatever Leonte Carroo might or might not have done off the field, on the field, the friendly folk of North Jersey have every reason to think he’s going to do something crazy against tOSU in a couple weeks.
- Temple – God, this program sucks! Could we please cast them out of the former Big East? Wait…what? It looks like they’re going to be 7-0 when they play Notre Dame? Why does it feel like the planet is rotating on a slightly different angle at the moment?
- Tennessee – The sky is falling! We can’t close out against anybody!! We thought we were back, but we’re not after all!!! Now we’re down three touchdowns to big, bad Georgia!!!! Never mind. The recovery is on track, and we’ll go 8-4 this year, and then we’ll be back to national relevance.
And now, the part of The Chaos Index you were expecting: the part where everything continues to go horribly wrong.
- Maryland – Hello, Chip Kelly, this is Underarmour calling. If you enjoyed Nike’s piles of cash, we think you’ll really love ours. Won’t you? Please. Double please.
- Oregon – Or maybe you should just head back here, Chip. We’ve missed you terribly, and Phil Knight has an extra special Christmas present waiting for you under his money tree. Never mind the rumor that we have died of dysentery.
- Nebraska – Four losses, four amazing, last-minute pratfalls. How do you top that, Huskers? (No fair asking Texas for kicking game tips!)
- Georgia – One week after ‘Bama, the train hasn’t run off the tracks in Athens, but it’s not far from it either.
- Kansas – They held Baylor to double digits! Bet you didn’t see that coming. Here’s guessing they hold Texas Tech under 60!
- Wyoming / Central Florida / New Mexico State – I know Kansas. I’ve watched Kansas play football. You, Senator, are not Kansas. You’re not good, but you’re not as awful as Kansas. Hold it: million dollar idea time! Take those four, add in Georgia State, and form a new Powerless Five Conference. Surely there’s a cable network desperate enough to show it under the title “Survivor: College Football”.
- Virginia – We can’t decide whether the message here is “hire the basketball coach” or “anyone but Mike London”.
- North Carolina State – And now, a few moments with another of the least relevant Power Five programs: what do you get when you cross four tomato cans with two real opponents? Howzabout a 4-2 record, and three shots at bowl eligibility with Syracuse and the perpetrators of the single worst violent offense against football since the Oregon-Oregon State Toilet Bowl on the agenda. One hopes there’s a bowl game irrelevant enough to fit the Pack. Oh, right.
- Miami – They didn’t get blown out, so that’s something. Congratulations to the ‘Canes on their mastery of social media. Perhaps, that dude who tweeted #BEATMIAMI before the game is also the guy behind those Fire Al Golden airplanes.
- Missourah – It’s all good in the heartland…unless you count the suspended quarterback favoriting less-than-friendly tweets about the freshman quarterback who may or may not have permanently taken his gig.
- North Texas – Dang: 66 points to Portland State? Enjoy the time off, Dan McCarney. You’re going to need an extended recovery period.
Unranked: USC – There’s only one thing to do regarding Sark: send him your thoughts, prayers, or whatever sort of positive, beat-this-devil thing you prefer. For the rest of the Trojans, 3-5 is a distinct possibility, particularly with their key offensive lineman done for the year. Oh, and the pitchforks and torches are now coming out for Pat Haden. It’s a mess, but now it’s an incredibly sad mess. And given that it’s USC, it’s a mess accompanied by the expected freakouts.
Also unranked: Wake Forest & Boston College – Whatever that thing you two called a football game was, it was most definitely not chaotic. Congratulations on winning with only five first downs, Wake! Congratulations on averaging 2.3 points against ACC competition, BC; you’re within ten points of Wake! It’s a pity someone couldn’t have brought in Mike Leach and had him make both coaches walk the plank after this one.
Tick Tick Tick, Week Six: Chaos Comes For The ACC
Can you hear the Chaos Clock ticking down to an exciting weekend filled with exciting ACC “showdowns”? We can too, though we’d pretty much love to see a showdown in any other Power 5 conference. Luckily, there’s a visually appealing palette of chaos available this weekend. Among the highliths:
Miami @ Florida State – It’s sort of like a rivalry, but with more predictable ass kicking than in your standard Battle For The Title Of Kings Of Florida has any right to be. Rest assured that the words “wide right” will have nothing to do with this game. The words “Fire Al Golden” trailing from the back of a crop duster? That’s a different story, isn’t it?
Oklahoma vs. Texas – Two rivalry games in one early October weekend? How awesome is that? It’s a pity neither one of them will be close, isn’t it? Of course, we figured the same thing about the Red River Shootout Rivalry Campus Carry Bowl two years ago, and look how that turned out.
Georgia Tech @ Clemson – Remember when the Jackets had finally arrived as an ACC power? Remember when this was a preview of the ACC Championship Game, a showdown enjoy annually by tens of passionate fans? Well, forget it. Now it’s just one of three trap games the Tigers play before they take on Free Shoes U. for the ACC What-ever-They-Call-That-Division crown.
Georgia @ Tennessee – Can’t you just smell the disappointment in the air? And yet, here’s another festive chance for the Vols to self-destruct! Perhaps the Dawgs should just spot them a 14-point lead, set the clock to, say, 6:30 left in the third quarter, and take it from there.
New Mexico State @ Ole Miss – Not chaos, really. Just a good old fashioned bloodletting at the hands of a squad that presumably has some anger issues that it needs to work out. The Aggies probably have some anger issues to work out at this point too, but they’re going to need to see a therapist to do anything about them.
LSU @ SCAR – Welcome to episode four of the Leonard Fournette Show, in which the college football deities have gallantly provided one more cupcakey delicious defensive offering for The New HerschelBoAdrian before the real fun begins with Florida next weekend. Will this be the weekend #7 – tell us again why he doesn’t wear #4 – finally breaks the LSU single-game rushing record? Only his Hatdresser knows for sure.
Northwestern @ Michigan – Welcome to the No One Saw This Coming Bowl. It’s good ol’ B1G smashmouth football, meaning you’re probably better off reading about it on Sunday than watching it on Saturday.
Portland State @ North Texas – Blah, blah, blah. FCS beats FBS. Blah always noteworthy blah. Blah blah fire Dan McCarney blah.
Cal @ Utah – Sayyyyy…what’s an actual, interesting game doing in here? It’s a battle between formerly unranked schools, one of whose undefeated dream season is going to become a more-disappointing-than-it-should-be one-loss season, that’s what!
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