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Can you hear the Chaos Clock ticking away, getting ready to brighten your college football weekend with more spectacular madness? Here’s where you’re most likely to feel the burn this weekend.

Ohio State @ Indiana – Oh Indiana, you incredible instigators of insignificance! Look at you, all undefeated and everything!!! We don’t even care that the best win any of your opponents has had was over…Vanderbilt? And now, a home game with your fifth cupcake of the season, a squad that’s totally confused about who to play at quarterback. Oh sure, the Bucks are a minor step up in class, but what could go wrong?

‘Bama @ Georgia – Dawgs don’t usually step on elephants, but there’s a reason the Tide are underdogs for the first time in forever. Of course, the Dawgs usually step on their own tails and trip when their big moment arrives. Call it crimson, or just call it red, either way, there will be blood between the hedges on Saturday, and somebody’s going to leave weeping into their playoff crying towel.

South Carolina @ Missouri – After playing with fire, Mizzou finally got burned this week. After burning for most of the last two seasons, SCAR put out a couple embers last Saturday, but their house is still on fire, and somebody is going to leave Columbia feeling extra torched. In fact, THE WHOLE FUTURE OF THE GAMECOCKS PROGRAM HINGES ON SATURDAY’S GAME!!! At least the Tigers won’t be dealing with a quarterback controversy this week. (Bonus points for the midweek chaos, fellas!)

The Ewe @ Cincinnati – It’s nice when the chaos starts early in the week, and lookee here, the ‘Canes are 3-0! ! Cincinnati just got run into the ground by Paxton Lynch. Finally, things are back on track in Coral Gables. Hell, maybe they could take down Felony State and then all bets are off. Just two problems: (1) they’re not going to beat the ‘Noles in ten days, and (2) this is as trap gamey as trap games get.

Arkansas @ Tennessee – Two very, very disappointed fanbases have the opportunity to drink their sorrows away together. Really, the loser of this game should jet immediately to Austin for a disappointmentoff.

UTSA @ UTEP – Coming into the season, both teams were on the up. Now, not so much. UTEP has those two barnburner wins against New Mexico State (great game, but c’mon, it’s NMSU) and Incarnate Word. That’s two more wins than the Roadrunners are sitting on. Here’s a crazy thought: the Miners have a real shot at getting to 6-2. UTSA, meanwhile, has a real shot of playing North Texas in a battle of 0-7 teams.

UCF @ Tulane – Not so long ago, Central Florida was THE SECOND BEST PROGRAM IN THE STATE!!! Also, Tulane kinda sorta mattered. Now, UCF is winless, and Tulane has a win only because they played an FCS school. In their other two games, the Green Matadors have waved at opponents scoring 102 points. Come to think of it, this game might be more about impending ineptitude, rather than impending chaos.

It all made so much sense.

The Cougars have always longed to be power players. Even that 1984 national championship didn’t really stamp them as that, and now Utah is playing in the Pac-12, and they’re not. Hence, the move to independent status.

With the inception of the College Football Playoff, unless you’re initials are Notre Dame, independent status can only mean one thing: being stuck in the limbo between Power 5 and Group of 5 status. (There’s a Jackson 5 joke in here somewhere, but whatever.)

The solution was obvious: schedule big, schedule hard, schedule fast. A noble thought, sure, but maybe the dude doing the scheduling should have considered a fourth piece of the puzzle: schedule balanced.

You’re no doubt familiar with the early results.

• A thrilling, Hail Mary win over Nebraska in Lincoln.
• Fourth and 7 with :54 to against Boise State, and this happened.
• Week Three and another thrilling last-minute come-from-behind win. Wait a minute, the winning team in that video is wearing a lighter shade of blue. What’s up with that? Why that was enough to make a good Mormon completely lose his, uh, stuff. Still, 2-1 with the loss to a top-10 team ain’t bad.
• An unmitigated disaster in Week Four, but even that was kind of amazing, if only because it was the last thing anyone expected.

So, scheduling dude, let’s talk. Kudos to you for setting your guys up with a serious schedule – it’s impressive. Just one thing: y’know those back-to-back games with Wagner and San Jose State? Maybe you could’ve broken those up a bit. Oh sure, teams in conferences have commitments to keep, but everybody you’re playing belongs to a conference.

I see you’ve worked in some balance for Week Five. Connecticut – good call! They’re awful. The coach is 4-12 during his stay there.

Just one thing: have you heard the letters BIA? In Storrs, they stand for “Best In America”, and their defense thinks that’s what they are. Coming from a team that went 2-10 last year, that would be funny, except that they’re pretty damn good, giving up 17 points a game.

Here’s where you can do America a favor.

Have you watched the “spectacular” the Huskies played with Missouri a couple weeks ago? Unlike most games that are 6-2 at the half (and that was the higher-scoring half), it was bad. Painfully, achingly, awfully bad. It was the kind of game that made you want to drop your television into the Great Salt Lake.

And now, you’re here to help. You, Cougs, are fun! You’re exciting. When you’re balling out, stuff happens.

So, please please please bring the chaos with you this weekend. Whip up some extra Jell-O and funeral potatoes so that you’re nice and charged up. Then, go do something, anything interesting against UConn.

A Texas-style kicking meltdown might be entertaining (though we have no idea how you top the Longhorns for that).

Perhaps a 45 year-old walk-on who’s been off on an extra long mission could score the winning touchdown on a Hail Moroni pass, whatever that is.

Y’all are creative. You’ll think of something.

Just remember, you’re the only thing going late this Friday night. Please don’t make us go to bed dreaming of Iowa State-Kansas at noon Eastern on Saturday.

We deserve better. America deserves better.

And we believe in you, BYU.