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It’s usually about this time when the meltdowns begin, and boy have they begun. The big question now appears to be whether the first casualty of the new season will be Kyle Flood or Steve Patterson, and given that everything is bigger in Texas – including the meltdowns – I’d bet on the A.D.

1. Texas – A statewide freakout over the Horns?!? Naw, never happen! Even if they’re THE SIXTH BEST TEAM IN TEXAS!!!!! In shocking news, the long knives aren’t out for Charlie Strong yet. The A.D? That’s another matter altogether. Oh, and the program’s biggest honk – the one with a statue inside the stadium – has allegedly cancelled his luxury box for the rest of the season. What a pity that there’s no deposition to watch.

2. Rutgers – Things are looking up in Jersey. No one’s been arrested or kicked off the team in almost a whole day now, and the coach apparently hasn’t attempted to lean on any professors in at least that long either. Losing to The Pirate under suspicious circumstances might take that old fighting spirit down a notch, though.

3. The Schedule – Congratulations to Illinois on overcoming the chaos in Champaign and wiping our their opponent 44-0. Big ups to BC on that 76-0 smackdown they dealt. U-Dub is clearly back in the saddle after a seven-touchdown shutout win. Look at TCU dropping a 70-spot in its victim. A salute to you Northwestern, Duke and Louisiana Monroe on those 40+-point shutout spankings! Just don’t notice that seemingly half of FBS was fighting a tomato can on Saturday, while exactly six ranked teams played against another ranked team. (That’s three games, y’all.) Yep, maybe it’s time to stop fattening up on the lower division.

4. Auburn – Surely Gus Malzahn would agree with that sentiment. At least he would if he wasn’t still busy trying to recover from sweating out a tight-as-it-gets overtime win against that in-state powerhouse – y’know, Jacksonville State. Perhaps War Eagle is a tad overrated this year.

5. The Brothers Petrino – Bobby’s tight loss to Auburn looks a little less zesty this week for some reason. Ditto the home loss to Houston. Things are cheerier in Idaho, where Paul kept his Vandals within half a hundred of USC and has the team situated for their annual win, this year against Wofford.

6. Arkansas – Bret Bielema may be a great football coach. (Or he might not. We’re not persuaded either way yet.) What he is clearly not is a dude with a grasp of when to run the smack down on others. (Side note: coaches whose teams book Tennessee-Martin should probably keep their pieholes zipped tight.) Congrats on bringing the #badkarma down on the Hogs, bro.

7. Florida – After wiping the Swamp with that renowned powerhouse, New Mexico State last week, rainbows spontaneously shone upon Gainesville while unicorns pranced through the atmosphere pooping lollipops on those in orange and blue below. The Gators were back!!! Or not!!! This week, things are a tad more “embarrassing” after a non-wipeout of a good directional program. Luckily, the new coach never lost his composure on the sidelines.

8. Temple – Welcome to the fun teams section of The Chaos Index. After sending Penn State into, er, chaos last week, the Owls ended another long losing streak against Cincinnati and are now…AAC East favorites? Is it a pity that game with Notre Dame isn’t happening until Halloween, or is that just fate’s way of scheduling a little trick or treat for the Leprechaun?

9. BYU – And for their next trick, the Cougars will be locked in a box with only their third-string quarterback and will somehow escape with a last-minute 108-yard drive to overcome a nine point deficit, thanks to the new three-point conversion rule.

10. New Mexico State – And now, back to sad reality. Long one of college football’s permahellholes, the Aggies took it to a whole new level when they handed Georgia State their first-ever win against FBS competition. Better still, the Ags pulled off this dazzling feat in front of the home fan. That’s not a typo, just an assumption that there’s still one guy in Las Cruces who believes. We hope he’s doing okay today.

11. New Mexico – Is Bob Davie still coaching football? If so, does that make him the victim or the villain in Albuquerque? Those consecutive games against tailspinning Wyoming and New Mexico State can’t come soon enough. It’s a good thing they don’t have to play a pissed off Arizona State on national television before then.

12. SCAR – We’ve always been amused at the way South Carolina gets abbreviated as “SCAR” in that little score box in the bottom corner of your television screen. Losing to Kentucky at home, while losing their titular starting QB, means the scars are adding up for the second straight year. The HBC gets plenty of slack in Columbia – as he should – and no one else in the SEC would dare use this stuff against him in the recruiting wars. No one at all.

13. Virginia – It’s starting to look like college football is the bully that keeps holding a lollipop juuuust out of Virginia’s reach. Every time it seems like the Hoos on are the verge of a signature, breakthrough win, things fall apart. To expect anything less at home against the Irish would have been, er, unexpected.

14. Tulane – Georgia Tech looks pretty dang good this year. With that 65-10 beatdown, the Green Wave looks ten points better than much of FCS this year.

15. UTEP – Losing by a combined score of 117-33 in your first two games is ugly. Losing your one stud player is a lot uglier. Arkansas getting waxed by Toledo didn’t make things look better either. Lose in Las Cruces on Saturday, and it might be best to grab some hotel rooms in Tucumcari rather than driving home.

16. Fresno State – Remember when Tim DeRuyter was the Next Big Thing in college coaching? You can free up whatever brain cells you’ve used to store that information for something more productive.

17. Central Florida – Remember when UCF was the Next Big Thing in mid-major football? Like Blake Bortles, those days have moved on.

18. Notre Dame – The Irish are back in the national title hunt! Well, they were. Things might be looking a whole lot better if Everett Golson weren’t hanging around Tallahassee these days, particularly with Georgia Tech and Clemson coming up in the next three weeks.

19. Kansas – Congratulations on staying within four touchdowns (with successful two point conversions) of Memphis at home. Whatever the worst season in college football history is, the Jayhawks are on their way toward eclipsing it.

20. The Schedule (Slight Return) – Don’t look now, but Week Three doesn’t look a whole lot more dazzling than Week Two. Where Week Two featured all of three games between ranked teams, Week Three features, uh, three games between ranked teams, and this being an SEC West world (even after last week), two of those three games are SEC West games.