The Chaos Index, Week 7: Seasons Continuing Their Death Spirals

Last week, we saw more seasons spiraling out of control from more surprising places than we’d seen since…last year. This week, the bleeding stopped in – nowhere, really. Yeah, Texas and USC beat up on bad teams, but that doesn’t change anything.

Meanwhile, Ohio State stopped looking like a killing machine and Clemson tried like the dickens to cough one up against N.C. State. At this rate, we can cancel the playoff and hand Slick Nick the trophy again. Of course, this being the chaos-gifted world of college football, that just means that some wacky shit has just got to be barreling toward Tuscaloosa even as we speak.

1. Notre Dame – Have you noticed that the Irish keep finding more interesting ways to lose – like going from up 10-0 to up 10-9 without giving up an offensive score to a Stanford team without Christian McCaffrey and then losing when the Cards fumble into the end zone and recover it. Brian Kelly is quickly becoming the new Les Miles, but without all the fun.
2. Tennessee – Speaking of not having fun, 438 yards on the ground? Okay, so maybe the Vols aren’t all the way back yet. Y’all best hope that Georgia wakes up against your friends from Gainesville next weekend.
3. Michigan State – 54 points to the Northwestern team that put up 7 on Illinois State? If there’s a weirder thought than Sparty being an underdog at Maryland, I dunno what it is.
4. Clemson – Okay, so maybe the Tigers aren’t back on track just yet. If you watched that game, all you could think was, “Seriously? Are they trying to find a way to f this up just for laughs?” Considering the way ‘Bama’s going, they’d better figure things out soon.
5. Western Michigan – We say it every week: chaos doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Didja notice that the Broncos are now 7-0 and have only one tough game left on the schedule. One slip from a Boise State team that barely got by Colorado State at home, and you’ll be watching WMU in a major bowl game. How weird is that?
6. Ole Miss – Welcome to .500land, population you. At what point does Hugh Freeze consider a move to, say, Baton Rouge? (Assuming, of course, that Tom Herman picks Austin over B.R., which he will.)
7. Ole Miss State – The Cowbellteers are looking up at .500 right now, and considering those last four games, 4-8’s looking awfully likely. At what point does Dan Mullen…well, you get the point.
8. UCLA – Let’s see now – no running game whatsoever and now no Josh Rosen? Bruin fans given the choice between watching their team and having root canal are now facing a very difficult decision.
9. Purdue – By all accounts Darrell Hazell’s a great guy. Unfortunately, he’s also the type of guy who calls a timeout with :02 on the clock before taking a knee. Anyway, on to the next coach who can’t get it done.
10. Florida State – How does a supposed national powerhouse double a crappy opponent in yardage and win 17-6? Oh sure, turnovers are part of the story, but something isn’t quite working right in Tallahassee right now, and Jimbo’s got two weeks to fix it.
11. Rutgers – A touchdown! A real live touchdown!!! Very impressive! Is it possible to be more awful after losing consecutive games by a composite 136-0? Here’s a vote that says yep – at least when those two losses were to top-5 teams and your 24-7 oops came against Illinois, whose only other win was a compelling conquest of Murray State.
12. LSU – Well, half of that game took the edge off anyway. Which half depends on whether you’re deluded, er, a supporter of making Coach Eaux the guy or not. Here’s guessing you know where your Captain stands on that question.
13. Texas – Beating Iowa State sure will calm things down in Burnt Orange Nation, won’t it? In fact, with K-State under the weather, no one should call for Charlie’s head for two whole weeks.
14. Oregon – After a bye week to recharge following the tough part of the schedule – y’know, Colorado and the Washington schools – things lighten up with USC and Stanford not too far down the road, so happy thoughts, Ducks fan.
15. Fresno State – Tim DeRuyter still has a job because…why exactly?
16. Kansas – Nice to see the Jayhawks returning to losing-by-six-touchdowns form after that odd almost-win against TCU last week.
17. Georgia – So yeah, getting rid of the head coach because you think his message has gotten stale and hiring a hot coordinator is always a good idea.
     
18. New Mexico State – You gave up 55 points? To Idaho? Maybe you should join the Vandals in FBS ASAP. Okay, get rid of the maybe. Please drop down a level for your own good.
19. Northern Illinois – Who kidnapped the team that permanently pwns the MAC West and replaced them with a 1-6 FAU squad?
20. Rice – See the tale of NIU and add in the joy of watching their crosstown sorta-rival flirt with the top 10.