The Chaos Index, Week 8: Your Team Sucks (Unless It’s Bama, Of Course)

As we meander into the season’s second half, we’re left with only one question: why are we doing this? Going into the week, it looked like there were exactly three teams that could actually take the cheese. Now, we’re down to two, and the Tide are a hell of a lot better than last year, while Clemson…not so much. There must be some reason for the season. Could it be…

…chaos?!?!? Is there a power conference where we know who’s going to implode worse this year? Take the Pac-12, where Oregon’s total collapse is camouflaging the bizarre half-team in Westwood, while you just never know when USC might get weird again. Could both Big 12 marquee powers cap their coach this offseason? (Yes, they could.)

And yet, the sporting world’s ultimate kings of chaos are, well, it’s baseball, so it really doesn’t concern us, does it? Okay, maybe this year it does.

1. Chicago Cubs – Yeah, yeah, yeah – we know – wrong sport. When your team gets its first shot at the brass ring since the Truman administration, you get to see yourself at the top of every freaking poll for a while. So anyway, Joe Maddon For President and try not to riot too hard, y’all. (Picture this: the legendary Vin Scully just retired after 67 years of calling Dodger games. The Cubs never won a pennant during his career. Dang – that’s some Iowa State football right there.)
   

2. Houston – Tom Herman, now with even less reason to hang around H-Town past November! Getting destroyed by SMU is never a good idea. It’s a particularly bad idea when you’re busy getting obliterated by SMU while LSU is on the HC hunt and the following is going down…

3. Texas – Not that Kansas might be the only win left on the schedule or anything, but as kind-hearted and understanding as Burnt Orange Nation is, if the clock hasn’t struck midnight on Charlie yet, it’s about to.
   

4. UCLA – The Bruins are the very definition of chaos: starting players suddenly disappearing (including both kicking specialists), a walk-on quarterback setting all kinds of passing records because they can’t run the ball, a promising season that now resembles the poop emoji, and bonus chaos: their dear friends across town suddenly playing like a competent football team.
   

5. Oregon – Remember the infamous Toilet Bowl game? This year’s Civil War just might be between worse teams, though instead of 0-0, it’s going to end something like 63-59. And here Brady Hoke thought his time at Michigan sent his career as deep as it could go into the toilet bowl.
   

6. Ohio State – Oopsie. The Bucks sure kicked that one away, didn’t they?
   

7. Texas Tech – Putting up 59 points on Oklahoma is pretty dang impressive! Here’s to getting a really big…oh, never mind. Anyway, if you try really hard, we bet you can land Les Miles.
   

8. Notre Dame – Speaking of The Hat, it just dawned on us: how great would it be to have Leslie’s Traveling Circus land in South Bend this December? Now that would be Must See TV. (Not that Brian Kelly’s toast or anything, but by the way, he’s toast.)
   

9. Oklahoma – And while we’re at it, speaking of the Sooners, those two losses to Houston and Ohio State don’t look so excusable any more do they? On the other hand, defense wins championships, the original Stoops brother is a defensive whiz, and…OU’s giving up 40 points a game to everybody not named Louisiana Monroe? Never mind.
   

10. LSU – #7 came back just in time to [make the mistake of Coach Eaux that much more likely, and if he’s healthy enough to keep playing like a combination of Jim Brown and Gayle Sayers…
    

11. Stanford – Speaking of Leonard Fournette, it’s funny how pre-season Heisman candidates don’t seem to get through a whole season in one piece, isn’t it? Well, it’s not so funny if your team just scored five points against an overperforming Colorado side.
    

12. Michigan State – The password is: impending sense of doom, right little bro?
    

13. Mississippi State – You lost to Kentucky. Let that sink in for a minute. Kentucky. And no, no one was wearing shorts. Also, Dak Prescott isn’t coming back, so get used to the new normal, which looks suspiciously like the old normal before Dak arrived.
    

14. Florida State – Now that Clemson doesn’t Clemson any more, Jimbo and Friends are lucky to have two exciting weeks to adjust to the idea of 5-3.
    

15. Arkansas – Yep, ol’ Bret’s got this team on the verge of greatness, just like he had those Wisconsin teams on the verge year after year. Meanwhile, Gus Malzahn would like to thank to Hawgs for providing War Eagle with 56-3 reasons to keep him around for another year.
    

16. Iowa – Blah blah blah never should have extended Kirk Ferentz blah blah blah ongoing mediocrity blah blah blah get used to it, Hawks blah blah blah, your team will remain blah.
    

17. BYU – If the Cougar faithful aren’t calling for Kilani Sitake’s head based on one incredibly dunderheaded play call, they really are way too nice, not that trying a fake punt from their own 5 cost them a win over an undefeated Boise team on the blue turf or anything.
    

18. Missouri – Middle Tennessee State? Yep, the SEC sure is a deep conference.
    

19. Boring College – Congratulations on posting a season-high 20 points (y’know, while playing against a real program instead of Wagner, etc.)! We can’t wait to see how you handle playing Felony State and the University of Petrino back-to-back.
20. Kansas – When losing by 24 points counts as improvement, you know you’re so deep into the toilet bowl that it’s going to take a couple lifetimes to swim out.